Turning 30 for me has seemingly represented a juncture point in which I have stopped, reflected and assessed my ‘progress’ in life. What’s been different about this occasion however has been the level of anxiety and seemingly sheer underlying terror that has accompanied it. It seems beyond strange to me because my progress, or in my mind so called lack of it has not heightened in the days since I’ve been 30. So why has the focus all of a sudden blown so out of proportion?
I suppose there very much is a notion that is at play that perceivably comes with being a 30 year old human. The constant catchcry which seems to be playing on repeat in my brain is: ‘you should have your shit together by now’… then there are the inevitable feelings which come with this sentiment including guilt, sadness and ultimately derision. For me this plays out by attempting to measure myself against what in my head reflects ‘having my shit together’:
- owns a property
- is in a successful relationship
- is working full time as a writer
- is taken seriously by family members
- no longer eats cereal for dinner
Well shit, I can actively tick… none of those boxes. So does that therefore mean that I don’t ‘have my shit together’ in even one iota of the term….? Is my life completely off the rails, in shambles and unworthy of the adulthood title that my sheer amount of years present on this earth therefore represent? I mean the short answer to this question is no.
I often have conversations with my friends in which when they identify this same sentiment within their own lives and I always have the ‘don’t be ridiculous’ speech on hand; and I mean it too! I so easily remind them that life is unique to all who endeavour upon it and that there is no generic and universal measuring standard for progress. I reaffirm to them that their journey is their own and that no amount of years under one’s belt assures you of any one outcome, unless it is right for you. I then go into the rhetoric of looking at me, into a glimpse of my own life in which I am a consummate professional, killing it in my vocation at day and then at times at night laying in the foetal position at home eating cookie dough for dinner.
So the question is why is it so easy to project this sentiment outwardly and yet not be able to do so in application to my own life, my own existence and my own path. Why is it that I can’t be that friend to myself who while offering advice and comfort is a constant reminder that progress is subjective? It seems that my worst enemy always appears to be me.
In identifying all of this I realise that it’s now time to tell this nagging, judgmental inner critic to pipe down once and for all. From this point on I vow to consistently remind it (and myself) that growth and progress are incremental. That success takes time and looks different to everyone. I will highlight that it always seems rosier from the outside looking in but everyone has their self doubt and their struggles even when confidence and self surety is what reads on their face.
So in saying all of this, to my inner critic and yours, if someone asks me the question of whether or not I ‘have my shit together’, I’ll remind them that the point of measurement for this is subjective anyway and even if I don’t, or feel like I don’t right now that’s ok.
Oh hey and one last thing to remember: “Just because you’re struggling right now, doesn’t mean you’re failing”. Nor is this an indication of the success that awaits you in your future.
Sx
I blog for Change. 