Dear Body..

Dear Body,

I have to admit that my relationship with you is one which has been extremely strained for the last few years. I have not been kind to you, I have treated you with the opposite of respect and strived so hard to force you into being something that you are not. I have chastised you for not fitting in to that dress, for not appearing ‘flawless’, all the time not realising that my criticism was never about you or your form, but instead about a lack of love and respect that I had for my being.

I wouldn’t say that I harboured hatred for you, but I certainly didn’t like you for a very long time. In my intent to change you and mould you into something you were not I lost sight of the beauty that you naturally possess. I abused you so inextricably to attempt to fit into a mould that was never for you in the first place. I saw past the strength and splendour that you exhibit in order to be less, to appear to wither away all in the pursuit of an end result that was never enough.

I want to tell you today that I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for starving you, for purging you, for always telling you that you were not enough. That you were ugly or unattractive and that everyone saw you in such a negative and untrue light. For back then my view was tainted, I couldn’t see how beautiful you were and are in your natural form. I couldn’t see that you are unique and that you don’t have to be anything but that.

I was inundated with distorted images which made me believe that your appearance was not worthy. That somehow there was something wrong with you because you didn’t look like that and that I had to therefore force you into submission in order to validate my existence. It was as if I truly believed that I could not be in society as I was. That in spite of my intellect, of my drive, that I could not exist in this world until you were a certain way; a way in which you were never made to be, in which I almost damaged you irreparably.

Forgive me, because back then I could not see. I was subverted to believe that to be successful and happy in this life meant to hurt you, to torture you each and every day in order to pursue something that was never supposed to be in the first place. I lost my sense of self, my sense of worth and attached it instead to a superficial and unhealthy product.

I am sorry.

I will never again force you to be something that you are not. I will from now on appreciate and respect you. For all the elements that I deemed as flaws are nowhere near that. I want you to know that you are worthy, you are enough. From this point on, I will treat you with all that you deserve; kindness, compassion and love.

Sx