I’ve felt a deep void in my life for some time now. At first, I put it down to growing pains, to easing into the next stage of my life even if entirely uncomfortably. But if I’m to be honest, it has nothing to do with that at all. The truth is I let go of someone who shaped the person that I have become today. Someone who I was lucky to have known at all. I can now admit that I was never fair to him, I loved him selfishly and I didn’t deserve him. But I want to take the time out today to say that I miss him achingly and I wonder if he ever thinks of me the way I think of him.
See back then I couldn’t see clearly. I didn’t understand that a connection as unique as ours was rare. I hadn’t yet fathomed that no one else would ever look at me the way you do, or the way you did. No one else would look into my eyes and see my soul. For no one else saw me as you did, entirely unique, as I am with flaws and all.
The truth is you were always there for me. I never felt alone or cautious in that way because I always knew if I turned back you would be standing right there, guiding me and supporting me as I moved forward as you always did. I never realised that the source of my belief stemmed from yours. Looking back there were so many times when I doubted myself, when I was crippled by self-doubt. I felt debilitated and frighteningly stagnant because I’d lost hope for myself. In those times it was always you that carried me forward. You who was there to reassure me that I mattered, that I was worthy of love, of life. Your belief in me, your unconditional love was what motivated me to continue to believe in myself and who I was destined to become.
To say I miss you would be a ridiculously absurd understatement. I write this today in the hope that you might just see this and that you will one day understand just how much you meant to me, how much you still mean to me. If we were never to encounter each other again for the rest of our lifetimes, I could honestly say that I am better of having known you. I am a better human being because of you. You made me stronger, your love transformed how I viewed myself and it still forms the core of who I am as a person.
It’s easy to see things so much clearer in hindsight. It by no means excuses the selfish pursuits I subjected you to. I was never able to love you the way you deserved to be loved. But I hope that in reading this, it provides you with a small sentiment of my enduring gratitude and love, of my appreciation for having known you. See you changed me; I saw myself through your eyes and it reaffirmed all of the things that I have doubted for so many years.
I will always miss you. It will always feel like something profound is missing in my life. But I go on within this existence with your memory in my heart, motivating all that I do. You are and always will be my soulmate. While I understand that we can’t be together within this lifetime, I know that our spirits, our souls will continue to find each other over and over again as we are born and reborn for the rest of eternity.
To my lost soulmate, thank you and goodbye for now.
Sx
I blog for Change. 