I’m struggling to even to attempt to compose this piece. We lost you too young. You lost your life too soon. You deserved better. We deserved to see you grow. I remember the day you were born as if it was yesterday. What a blessing you were to us all even though you didn’t even realise it.
It all feels like a dream. Like I’ll wake up tomorrow and someone will tell me it was just a hideous nightmare. They’ll tell me that you’re still here, safe in your bed resting carelessly as a child should. They’ll tell me that in spite of the difficulties that your future is still bright, that you have so much more to come.
I wanted to tell you so many things. That you were loved, that you were valued. I wanted to tell you that life is hard, it will always be hard but as you grow you’ll learn to understand that it all weighs itself out. I wanted to put my arms around you, hold you close and tell you that your kind soul would make living unbearable at times but that the moments of pure love and joy you felt in between would make it all worth it.
I wanted you to know that you were never alone. That feeling the way you did never made you defenceless or weak; it made you human, entirely fragile in nature like the rest of us. I wanted to convey to you that we all wear masks that we hide our sadness in ways that we shouldn’t. I wish I had the chance to tell you that we all doubt, that it wasn’t just you.
But I’ll never get to tell you those things. I’ll never get to see your radiant smile again which sparked so much hope even within the most cynical. Your face always lit up when you smiled, you had that twinkle in your eye which befits those destined for greatness.
You would’ve made an enchanting, kind, loving adult and this world would have been all the better to have had you in it. I would’ve watched you grow, graduate high school, fall in and out of love and take on this world with your peaceful, inquisitive spirit. I would have watched you struggle but overcome with that pure untainted soul of yours.
I want to tell you all these things now because I never got the chance to say any of these to you in life. Please know that you were loved, you were so loved. You were valued, your life mattered. I’m sorry that none of us were there when you needed us the most. That we couldn’t take you in our arms, embrace you deeply and tell you that we were here for you. I’m sorry that we didn’t get the chance to dream with you about what your life would be, who you would become. I’m sorry that you never got to experience the joy and at the same time the utter confusion of growing into adulthood within this complicated world.
I will always remember that smile, those hauntingly beautiful eyes of yours that towards the end of your life showed such despair. You are more than the way you lost your life. Your memory will remain with those of us who were lucky enough to have known you in your short 14 years of existence. We will remember your brightness, your vigour for life and not just the circumstance in the way that we lost you.
The truth is I don’t know if any of us will ever be the same again. It’s as if a small part of us all died along with you when you left us. We are broken, we are lost without you but we go on with your memory in our hearts. I promise to live out the adventures that you never got to experience. I swear to you that I will continue on in this lifetime with your spirit in my heart. I promise you that I will love those around me the way you loved others.
We miss you. Rest easy little one.
Sx
I blog for Change. 