There’s something about the concept of identity and wholeness that has me reflecting on what it means be a self-fulfilling individual. Personally I’m an only child and an introvert at that so most of the time I truly enjoy being on my own. I find myself craving alone time when I have prolonged periods of being around a lot of people in a confined space. I can’t explain the feeling of wanting to just run out of that crowded room in any meaningful way that will translate. But I suppose this fits into the idea that introverted people recharge their batteries in periods of solitude.
What’s funny about this concept though is that even though being on my own is my default mode and one in which I find true peace I also yearn for human interaction. Perhaps trying to find the balance between these two states will be the journey that I take for the rest of my life. But lately I’ve felt a sense of having a gaping void within me which I can’t just seem to fill. As if the presence of someone or something else is just lacking and my entire being is crying out for it.
I suppose this entire episode has been heightened because my Mum, who now lives overseas was here with me in Melbourne for a month and just left over the weekend. I realised in this time that I had grown used to coming home and having someone to talk to, I’d tended to find comfort in the mere presence of having someone I loved around again. I attempted to explain this sentiment to a friend recently and what I found myself saying is that ‘since my parents moved away it’s become more and more evident that I am alone here’.
When I said that for whatever reason I guess that’s the way I felt. My parents and I have been through a lot. For a long time it’s felt that it was just us taking on the world. Both of them have been my constant support and provided me with a kind of unconditional love which I can say I am merely blessed to have had. They have been my stability when I have gone out in the world seeking adventure. I didn’t realise it back then but I knew I could be footloose and carefree because I always understood there was a firm anchor holding on to a loving, supportive household that I could come back to.
I’ve also begun to understand that because of my independence I struggle to be open and vulnerable and to lean on people when I need them the most. Perhaps this is because I’ve known my parents were always there to offer those things and I felt I didn’t have to open my heart up and rely on anyone else. In the time since they’ve left though there have been so many others in my life who have identified themselves as being willing to be there for me. Those who simply love me for me and will support me through anything but whom I have been keeping at a distance without consciously meaning to.
I now know that letting these people in, truly and whole heartedly is not a sign of weakness. I have to completely fathom that those who have taken this journey beside me are loving and trustworthy enough to be let into my heart. I have to allow other people to be there for me when I need them. Not because I am not incapable of being there for myself, but because I am human and I need them beside me.
I had a thought the other day where I felt truly sad that I didn’t have anyone to lean on when I was feeling down or lonely. I posed an open ended question to the universe where I asked why it was that I had to constantly bear the burden of life’s turmoil and heartbreak solely on my own. But the truth is I’ve been isolating myself and protecting my heart from opening up to people who have been in my life and loved me for years. These people are true friends who will always have my back. Instead I’ve been offering my heart up on a silver platter to those who haven’t deserved it and the damage they have done has made me suspicious of those who simply love me unconditionally and ask nothing of me in return.
I am aware of this pattern and for those of you who are reading this piece and recognising yourselves through these words, I am truly sorry. I want to you to know that I’m lucky to have you in my life, that I know how much you love me and that I’ll strive to be a better friend, a better cousin, a better family member to deserve you. I know I am not alone and I promise to lean on you a little more in those times of uncertainty and sadness, instead of closing off and pushing you away.
I can’t guarantee very much for certain but I vow to try. I want you to know that I love you and I’m grateful for your presence in my life and I know we’ll walk forward together dealing with whatever may come our way. Thank you for walking by my side.
Sx
I blog for Change. 