To the passing year of 2019,
Wow, what a year you have been. When you began I was feeling lonely and lost and didn’t really understand where my place in this world was or where I belonged. In January, I came back to Melbourne to an empty house and an underlying unease in terms of my direction in life. Luckily for me, a Bangkok opportunity came along and gave me such a new perspective and a reinvigorated vigour for life. All of a sudden I was presented with a fresh environment, new career challenges and was surrounded by a group of informed, knowledgeable and utterly wonderful people who challenged me to think beyond the here and now.
It’s needless to say then that coming back to Melbourne after this short stint was therefore an extremely difficult experience. For the first time I felt truly alone with my family half a world away. I recall staying at work well over my allocated hours simply because of the overwhelming feeling that I had nothing to come home to except an empty house filled by engulfing silence. But I had to go home at some point and as difficult as it was to face that environment I did, each and every day.
At some point within this cycle my sense of sadness seemed to dissipate as I started to realise that what I was going through was a poignant and pivotal moment in my life and in my inevitable growth as a human being. That feeling of loneliness subsided, as most things do if given enough time. I realised that I was living a new reality and I had to adjust in order to survive and ultimately to thrive. So I kept going, focusing on living out each day as best I could and being open to the next inevitable change that I knew life had in store for me. What I didn’t realise at the time was that the impending change would be in an area of my life that I had lost all belief and faith in; that of love.
I’ve often heard people say that life will rarely give you what you want, but it will always give you what you need, even if you don’t realise it at the time. Reflecting on this, when my partner walked into my life I was convinced that I was already on a set path and that I was intended to walk it alone. The older I got the more set I felt set in my ways and I wondered how it could be possible that I would even want to make room for someone else. But love caught me by surprise, as it often does, and when it did come along I didn’t even need to think of the how. My life just seemed to naturally shift in order to allow someone to take this journey beside me.
In addition to all of this, 2019 for me also represented growth in my career. After a series of painful knock backs and rejections I felt a nagging sense of being demoralised and unmotivated which I just couldn’t kick. Towards the end of the year however I was surprised by an interview for a role I really wanted which I believed would be perfect for my career projection. In the final stages of recruitment however I was informed that the company had gone in another direction but that I should be proud of my progression throughout the recruitment. At the time I didn’t feel pride at all, I felt a sense of being unworthy of success and as a result my confidence and belief in myself took a drastic plunge. So I gave up on the idea of growth and felt like being stagnant in my career was to be my fate.
But once again life surprised me in the most compelling of ways. A month after I was told that I hadn’t gotten the job I was re contacted by the employer. Their initial recruitment had fallen through and they asked me if I was still interested in the role. At the time I had just accepted another job and instinctively said no. But the more I pondered on it the more I realised that I would regret not trying again. So I went in and re-interviewed with them with a fresh perspective and an open mind.
Turns out that I eventually ended up being offered the role and accepting it gleefully. It made me realise that the things that are destined for you will always find their way to you, even if they lose their direction for a moment. That’s how I feel about 2019 in general actually. There were so many things that I thought were lost to me but which reinvented themselves and found their paths back to me in the end.
There were also many things that I lost along the way; things which I thought would be mine forever. At the time I just couldn’t accept that they were truly gone. I resisted this change because it was all I knew. But sometimes you have to let go of things which may have been unconsciously holding you back in order to usher in new things that will propel you forward. I keep this in mind every day as I try to adjust to a new existence without the things I have lost.
Reflecting on the upcoming end of this year I am inevitably just grateful for surviving it and for being open to the change that has now swept into my life. As I look forward to 2020 I can only hope that my resilience continues to thrive and that I keep an open heart to all that is ahead of me, just as I did in 2019.
Sx
I blog for Change. 