The Power of the Unknown.

For the better part of last year I was entirely running away from my problems. These were mainly my fertility problems but I suppose I was partly dodging everything in my life as I hit the proverbial pause button. It’s now well into the new year and I can no longer run anymore. I have no choice but to face my problems head on and I couldn’t have imagined how deeply painful that process would turn out to be. I once again feel that descending cloud of sadness and uncertainty approaching and I don’t know what to do with that feeling.

Last year it was established that after two consecutive miscarriages that I would need to go through further investigations to try to understand what was going on. I was referred to a fertility specialist and to be honest I came out of the first appointment more confused than when I went in. I really felt that I was not heard or understood as I was told that until I have three consecutive miscarriages in a row, it wouldn’t be medically classed as recurrent miscarriages. I was advised to take low dose aspirin, go for further testing but to also ‘take my emotions out of the equation’ and continue trying as per normal. I came out of that consultation with no answers but so many more questions. Since that time I’ve been procrastinating getting those tests done and I can’t figure out why that is.

To be honest, in the time that I let myself forget about my problems last year I felt free. My entire existence was no longer about tracking my cycle and stocking up on pregnancy tests. It felt like I allowed myself to breathe again and just live without inhibitions. I felt like I returned to the person that I am at heart which enabled me to face each day without fear or anxiety. I suppose I also felt like less of a failure. I felt like I could enter into conversations with people no longer looking at me with pity and assuring me that everything would work out in the end. Since the deadline for that carefree time has passed I’ve been unable to sleep properly, I’ve been irritable and conflicted; and I still can’t manage to make myself go through with all that testing. 

I suppose part of this is not wanting to open up my heart again. Part of it entails needing to let my walls down and to begin hoping again. But the issue with this is that the consequences are so dire. I will either embark on this process and end up with a baby in my arms, or I will break my spirit little by little in a never ending pursuit that will result in nothing but failure. My fear is that if I embark down this track that I will lose myself entirely and have nothing left of the person I am at the end of the process.

The issue with all of this is that the inevitable ticking clock which exists as I approach my late 30’s is beginning to tick louder and louder as the days and months go by. I don’t have the convenience of taking my time. It feels like I am right at the end of this very small window and I don’t want to miss it and look back later in life and regret that I didn’t try harder. But I also don’t want to ruin my psyche and my spirit by coming up empty handed every time I try. 

I know that I can’t delay that testing forever. I know that fear is paralysing me right now but it’s hard to imagine that I can save myself from any further heartbreak within this process; and I’ve already had too much of that. Right now I am trying to figure out how to embark upon a path with no guaranteed rewards and how to hold myself together for the long and arduous process at the same time. I have no idea what’s in store for me but I want to share my journey in spite of this because I believe in the power of the unknown. I believe in the power of sharing that uncertainty so no one else reading this, in a similar position, feels alone.