As the dawn of another birthday comes and goes, I can’t help but reflect on the years that I have collected so far. It feels like decades have passed by in the mere blink of an eye. What’s strange is that even though years come and go and our ages increase, we don’t necessarily feel any wiser or more certain of who we are and why we are here. We might feel more mature by being driven by less of an impulsive streak and be a bit less naive to the ways of the world; but some of us still question our presence and inevitably question where we are going.
At no point in life do we ever truly know if the choices we have made which have led us to the current point in our lives are the right ones. We often find ourselves questioning if we’re on the right path whilst forgetting to simply enjoy the ride. As a Piscean I find myself perennially in conflict with myself and my choices. The image of the two fish swimming in opposite directions is probably the most apt symbol for the way I live my life. I am inevitably conflicted and somewhat haunted by all the choices I have chosen to make; never really knowing if I’m on the ‘right path’. At times I have tended to look around and wonder if anyone else feels this level of doubt or questioning. I wonder if others are at odds with themselves at times in the same way I can be. Do they wonder if they were destined for something more and are questioning if they have squandered a fateful opportunity to head towards their destined path?! I suppose I will never truly know the answer to this sentiment but the question will always remain.
Over the years however I have slowly begun to appreciate the fact that I don’t just sleepwalk through life. I am constantly recalibrating and reassessing my decisions and questioning if the path I am currently on is in fact the right one at all. Outwardly this may read as uncertainty. But deep down it simply means that each microstep is undertaken in a considered manner and therefore well thought through. It also means that I am not afraid to shift or change course when I need to. I do not get stuck in comfort because I am constantly challenging myself to realign my values and aspirations and cross check that I am living life according to my own terms; and not being led by others.
What makes this all the more complicated is that the life I want for myself is one of equal measures spontaneity and stability. It’s a mixture of vibrancy and comfort. I suppose for myself personally, I will always oscillate somewhere between the two which makes finding that sweet spot all the more difficult. I’ve also realised that some of this is predicated on my sheer aversion to predictability. I’ve always believed that if anyone is able to ascertain what my next move will be then I’m doing life wrong. Personally, I long for adventure but still need that anchor to hold me in place and be able to remind me to recentre before starting that search again.
What all of this has taught me is that feeling conflicted is not always a bad thing. It simply means that I am searching for the ability to live life intentionally. It means that in the moments before I close my eyes within this existence forever, I can look back on my life and say that I considered all the options. I followed as many paths as I could and intentionally walked down those that were meant for me. It will also mean that I recall the roads that were not taken; but instead of grieving these as lost opportunities, I will acknowledge that these paths were never destined for me. I will remember that I chose to not walk down them intentionally and on purpose.
I blog for Change. 