Sometimes life has a way of forcing you to experience tough life lessons that you never see coming. A few weeks ago I was feeling the lowest that I have been in a while; and all for no apparent reason. I have come to understand that loss is never fully grieved and processed all in one go. It creeps up on us when we least expect it and presents as a variety of emotions. For me I felt an endless yearning; a sense of restlessness that I just could not get over. The strength of this sensation meant that it was ever present and was making me view everything in my life as non satisfactory. I remember thinking that I’m just bored of everything and even my usual pick me up’s and go to’s of spending time with friends was not hitting the same.
At the time I remember reassessing everything and thinking that surely this life that I was living was and never would be enough. At the same time however I could not have given you a realistic version of what would have been. Well skip to a week later and here I am thinking ‘my god I didn’t know what boredom truly was!’. Earlier this week I had to undergo an operation which has rendered me basically housebound with a recovery time of 6-8 weeks till I am fully healed. Since my surgery I have not been able to sit properly, go for walks or do anything except pace around the house (and even this is a technically no no!). I’ve been told to move as little as I can essentially for at least 2 weeks.
When I juxtaposition this against the boredom and restlessness I was feeling for no logical reason last week it makes me sarcastically giggle. I genuinely did not know what boredom was back then and the instant karma I have felt for not being grateful at that time does not escape me. When I look back to a week ago I can now see clearly what the clouds of a potential depressive episode were shielding. I see someone with a loving partner and friends, a career in line with her technical capabilities. Someone with financial freedom and life autonomy with incredible opportunities for her future. I look back and I can see the greatness on the horizon that awaits her and I wish I could tell her to practice humility and gratitude; to open her eyes and see things clearly, if not with a touch of patience.
The entire concept of perspective and gratitude is one that I have struggled with my entire life. I have a tendency for melancholy and as a typical Piscean I often retreat into a fantasy world when the harshness of everyday reality becomes too much. The issue with this is that it taints my expectations for what life has to offer. The truth is that more often than not life is going to be mundane and appreciating the moments of joy, love, adventure that eventuate around these times is where true richness resides. I have to remind myself each and every day to be present in this moment. To stay grounded in reality and continue to reframe my expectations and my perceptions of this world. I have been practicing wielding a mindful awareness for every situation in which a muscle of contentment is nurtured over time.
The uncomfortable truth within all of this is that I am unflinchingly impatient. I want to experience everything right now and this means that I am restless for an incredible future that I know is ahead of me. But obtaining that future requires grit and hard work in the present so that the rewards I reap in years to come are actually worth it due to my toiling. In spite of how difficult things are right now, I am incredibly grateful for the life lesson that has been forced upon me by a very slow healing injury. It has forced me to have a little perspective and shift my attitude whilst reflecting on what is important in life.
For now I will focus on the beauty of blue skies, of pink sunsets. I’ll relish in the joy that is spending time with my husband and my dog. I’ll be grateful for the time to read incredible novels, watch endless amounts of K Dramas and just refocus my intentions for what awaits me. I know that I will have to balance my impatience and my urge to just disappear into a vivid fantasy world of my imagination so I don’t have to endure the current version of my present. But I will do my best to reframe, refocus and remind myself nothing worth having in life comes easily. That the toil and struggle are worth it in the end.
I blog for Change. 