I had a fantastic conversation with a friend the other day about how melancholy seems to be an ongoing feature of our lives. I came upon the thought when having a discussion about life in general and looking back through consistently tainted eyes. I discovered that the shadow of enduring melancholy has been one of the main features of my existence for no apparent reason.
But then again that’s what melancholy is all about, an “all-encompassing pensive sadness for no obvious reason”. Having this interaction helped me to unpack the entire element of the feeling and what it actually means in my own life and the lives of others. It does not entail that I am pessimistic or dejected all the time. It is quite the contrary actually.
I believe myself to be an inherently optimistic person. An idealist and thus I consistently believe in the best of people and situations. I am led by the enduring spirit of hope and hence the persistent presence of melancholy in my life perplexes me greatly.
Sitting down and thinking of this element led me to compose the below:
Melancholy, oh how I have fallen into your arms throughout the years. I’ve gotten lost in your embrace as you tighten your grip around me. Each time this occurs I lose my breath underneath the weight of your presence. But hence, I never flinch or resist; I simply sink deeper within your hold. You engulf my thoughts, my being, my soul as I slip. The sensation consumes all elements of my being and taints memories past and at the same time present, tainting all encounters to come.
I mean it all sounds a bit depressing doesn’t it? The idea of constantly being accompanied by a never ending black cloud is terrifying. But perhaps instead of trying to deny its existence or chase it away, maybe I would be better served to acknowledge its presence without getting lost in it.
Furthermore, what if instead of identifying the feeling as one of sadness without an obvious cause I challenged that idea in its entirety. What if it isn’t about this at all?
I’ve come to learn that I am an extremely nostalgic person. This has meant that in one way or another I have tended to mourn the natural loss of every single detail of my life. Including the loss of a situation, of an encounter, of an experience. Many times over this has taken the form of the loss of the presence of a person, of a friend, of a relationship. But perhaps that’s just a piece of who I am.
The one thing I know for sure is that I feel, so intensely, over and about everything. This means that as I move through life I experience heightened emotions especially when it comes to separation or the metaphorical ‘end’ of something. This doesn’t mean that this dictates how I move forward, it just represents that I acknowledge a situation, admit that it meant something to me and feel its loss as I take that step away.
In saying all of this I acknowledge that I could be better about not letting this taint every single memory or experience. Instead of focusing on the loss of something I could perhaps consider how I felt during it. I could imagine back to the time when I was in its midst and how joyful it made me feel at that time.
I now see that it’s ok to feel melancholic at times, that’s a natural part of being alive. But surely drawing on hope, belief and content is a better way to look both back to the past and forward into the present and future.
Sx
I blog for Change. 