So I’m now living and working in Bangkok, albeit for a short amount of time. But yet this decision, this move meant that I had to pick up and leave behind my life in order to chase my dreams on another continent. When the opportunity was first presented to me, I remember thinking ‘damn what a fantastic gig, but the timing is oh so wrong for me’. Back then I had just gone through the process of buying an apartment and being saddled with a 30 year loan… yeah you heard right THIRTY.YEARS.
To delve into this a little further I have to explain that I am, at heart a commitment phobe. Yes this relates to my love life and relationships, but more poignantly it revolves around the element of an unnerving fear of being tied down in any which way or form. For years during my late 20s I shuddered at the thought of buying a property because in my head that equated to being chained still, unable to leave, unable to adventure, to roam the world as I have so loved doing for the entire time I have been alive.
All of this came to a head when the decision was basically made for me. Late last year my parents decided to sell their house and move back to Sri Lanka. A non negotiable for them within this was making sure that I was ‘settled’. I remember thinking ‘gah there is that term again, the very one I have been running away from my entire life’. In the end the deal I made was that in order to appease some of their fears of leaving behind that I would invest in buying a place that would be my own.
Hence I found myself in the position where I had overcome one fear and yet was faced with another when this opportunity in Bangkok surfaced. My ultimate terror had come to a head; I was now tied down to a mortgage, to a 2 bedroom apartment with a garden, I had responsibilities and because of these they were standing in the way of embarking on a dream role.
What became obvious for me within this tension was that I see most things in black and white. The initial thought process in my mind fell back on that of fear, I envisioned a literal ball and chain that was tethering me to one place and chackling my freedom. It was crippling and forcing me to repress the urge to wander the world that has been at the core of my being since inception. My worst fear was confirmed, I had to make a choice, it had to be one or the other. I could either have a home and thus stand still or be footloose and fancy free and therefore chase adventure whenever and wherever it called me to.
My mind raced to so many places at that time. I considered the element of timing and cursed the fact that this opportunity hadn’t come up just months before. I had almost buried the idea of this role purely based on ‘circumstance’ and the tainted concept of needing to choose one or the other. Until a moment of sheer clarity when I wondered why I was placing so much pressure on myself. I remembered that no previous opportunity in my life had come at the ‘perfect time’. Most honestly, every new beginning had come at a time of some turmoil or another.
Going beyond that I started to question why it was that I was once again making comparisons of the decisions I had made in my life and looking around for measurement from others. It became obvious to me many years ago that my existence would be quite different from what is referred to as ‘the norm’. My purpose within this lifetime would not align with misconstrued societal norms or stereotypes based on my gender or who I was supposed to be. I decided long ago that my life would be led by what was in my heart, what made me happy, what challenged me the most.
So I stopped questioning. I stopped blaming external factors and parroting the ‘it’s just not the right time’ explanation. I ceased doubting and swallowed my fears around what it would all mean. I gave into the understanding that it would all work out in some way, because I would make it work. I remembered that at the core of my being I wanted to chase adventure, to travel, to be challenged. I wanted to learn from new cultures, from exploring, from taking chances.
Yes I may have lost sight of that for a minute but in stopping and listening to my heart all the other white noise about responsibilities and expectations was drowned out by the waves of the ocean whispering my name, calling me towards my next great adventure.
Sx
I blog for Change. 