I was reflecting on the concept of loneliness the other day as a passing conversation with a friend reminded me of the need to stop and ponder about it all. This particular interaction flowed on from a comment by this person of feeling a little stuck and therefore despondent because of this emotion. I remember thinking I wish I could adequately convey how much I resonate with that thought and highlight that she was not alone in this sentiment.
I remember instantly thinking back to a comment I have made over and over again about how I could be surrounded by a room full of people and still feel alone. The best way to explain this feeling would be to point to my personality traits. I am, at heart introverted and as much as I thrive for human connection and interaction, oftentimes it drains me completely. So I retreat back into my safe space where it’s quiet and tranquil so I can recharge.. until the cycle starts again and I crave for human interaction so I brave the big wide world again; and so it continues.
For me as I think back, I can always remember an underlying sense of ‘aloneness’. At times it was what I wanted and I flourished by not being inhibited by other people in a sense. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve understood the need to balance this out. At the heart of it all for me is a desperate urge to not be inhibited or controlled by another. I’ve often spoken of the need we all have to see a psychologist regularly and this relationship for me has sparked a true revelation. One which has highlighted something that sits at the heart of my constant default mode of a state of perpetual solitude.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy being by myself. I’ve learnt to engage with the world, to fundamentally exist on my own and thrive while doing so. But I’ve come to see that at the crux of many of my states of self imposed solitude comes a deep seated fear that someone will come along and try and restrict my freedom. I’ve come to understand that I have a truly unhealthy vision of what it means to be in a relationship, to be married, to have a significant other. For whatever reason I equate this metaphorical other person’s existence as a threat to my own.
This element has also translated into other areas of my life in which defaulting to a ‘they wouldn’t understand me anyway’ psyche has meant that I’ve shielded myself and my heart from opening up wholly. There always seems to be a protective layer that I hold onto with anyone who isn’t my immediate family. As if my method of engaging with the world always rests on the self preservation mode.
I’ve had to dig deep into this overarching thought stream of late to understand just how deep within my psyche it exists. Working through this over the years has meant that I have come to comprehend that not everyone will try and take what is most precious from me. Not everyone will attempt to dull my spirit, weaken my soul and clip my wings. Opening up to people little by little and forcing myself out of prolonged periods of solitude is something that I am still working on today. But with each day I make a little more progress in finding the balance that is right for me.
Sx
I blog for Change. 