I wrote a short while ago about life changing and the adjustments we all make for this process. We make these alterations to allow self growth; sometimes this happens when we are forced into it for circumstances that are not always positive. But then there are other times when our life changes so completely by chance and we wonder what our existence looked like prior to this event. For me personally this is exactly what has unfolded recently when I was oh so pleasantly surprised by new love in my life.
People always tell you that this existence never stops surprising you. That with love especially, it comes along when you least expect it to. I remember when I was younger thinking that I needed that person, the one, to come along into my life and save me. Save me from what, I don’t even know but that was the rhetoric of how ‘love’ worked, especially for women. Because of this trope I have been fearful of the concept of love ever since. I’ve been terrified that loving someone else also meant losing my own identity.
When I met my partner I was still very much of that mould. Here I was, someone who had been independent for so long and never relied on anyone for anything because I thought that equated to ownership. At the very start of our relationship I had a complete freak out when he did something for me around my home, nothing ground breaking but something exceptionally useful. But all of a sudden it was as if I remembered that no one could do anything for me, because if they did I had made myself vulnerable, I owed them and was relying on them; I had never relied on anyone my entire life.
It’s probably quite difficult to understand why I broke down in that instant if you don’t understand the rhetoric behind it; the fear that love, relationships, marriage meant inhibiting my freedom or worse having someone take it away completely. Looking back I sometimes struggle with understanding it too. At the time my boyfriend listened to me calmly and patiently and said something in response which was more poignant than I think he even realised. He told me that it was OK to rely on people sometimes. It suddenly started to sink in that allowing him to do things for me didn’t take any of my agency or independence away. It didn’t make me any less capable and that consenting to him doing that was letting him into my life in a way that was more significant and important for our journey together than it appeared.
I joke about how he is only allowed to do 1 thing for me every 2 weeks. I suppose for me it’s about easing into a partnership with someone by trying to get to out of my comfort zone. It’s about pushing myself to move out of that protective bubble which was keeping my heart safe but robbing me of the chance of unconditional love with the right person all this time.
When I met him, in my mind I was already far down the path of building a life on my own. I was still inherently fearful of love and distrusting of those who expressed it. He came along when I least expected him to, but his love has changed me in a way that I can’t adequately put into words. His presence has allowed me to love in a way I never thought I was capable of, it’s changed me for the better. He empowers me every day through his kindness, his thoughtfulness and his respect for who I am. His unyielding humility and positivity remind me of the best of humanity. His love gives me the confidence to believe, to chase my dreams even harder, with him by my side.
Surprisingly, I am no less powerful or incapable as I thought I might be in love. In fact I am stronger, I am more grounded. I never could have known that all I needed to open my heart up was the right person who somehow manages to see through to my soul, to my core just by glancing into my eyes. His love makes me a better person and I hope he can say the same of mine. I am not afraid anymore, I am no longer fearful of love.
Sx
I blog for Change. 