It’s been about 18 months since I’ve been in recovery from an eating disorder that almost took away everything from me. In the earlier days of my recovery I found it difficult to be around conversations which had subject matter with anything food or diet related. I’m much better at being present while these discussions occur now however my triggers still exist in a way that’s difficult to explain. I can’t also help but feel a sense of shame in the way that I usually respond in those instances. In my mind I should be calling people out in terms of understanding that they need to be sensitive to trigger points of others, but diet culture and openly speaking about how much you way is so normalised in our society that it makes it difficult to even figure out how to begin a conversation like this.
I was in a social setting over the weekend in which the people around me were talking about how much they weigh and at times guessing the weight of others. In passing a number of kilos was thrown around and offence was taken at the seemingly high number that was identified. Meanwhile, there I was sitting in the corner quietly thinking “but I weigh more than that”. As I looked around I tried to ascertain whether anyone else realised how problematic this conversation was. All of a sudden all the work I had done on myself, the gains I’d made in shifting my thinking and learning to love myself seemed to go right out the window and once again a haze of questioning and shame descended on my psyche.
It crossed my mind at that time if it would be appropriate to blurt out “I’m a recovering bulimic” and then mutter under my breath “so please shut the *&% up”. But to my better judgment at the time I decided against this outburst however still regretted not saying anything later on. People don’t realise how much they normalise controlling behaviours to do with their eating patterns or diet or simply around body image in general. For me the seemingly innocent act of weighing myself has the potential to spark a spiral in which I attempt to dangerously manipulate my body again. The trigger points are so subtle that even after years of being in recovery, I am still susceptible to falling back into that habit simply based on someone else’s words in passing.
I understand that unless you have been through something significant, then you are most of the time unable to identify the negative and triggering points of it. I’m sure most people find the banter on weight and diets harmless but they often don’t realise the basis of damaging normative culture that exists behind it. We need to reappropriate our thinking when it comes to weight, especially in accordance with how this is projected onto women. Weight fluctuations are a natural part of the human existence and the fact that I am 5kgs heavier than I was 18 months ago shouldn’t associate with my inherent value.
The shame associated with weight gain or the constrictive thinking about what is an appropriate weight in comparison with others is damaging and needs to go. For me personally, I refuse to engage in any conversations associated with passing remarks on someone else’s weight, eating habits or anything in between. It’s my way of attempting to focus on things other than a woman’s (or a man’s for that matter) appearance. If I could impart one piece of wisdom on this complicated world we live in, it’s that of acknowledging that we are all unique and capable beyond what we look like. I’d love for women to stop guilting themselves out of eating that piece of cake or moaning about how much they weigh because they feel the number is too high. I’d like for women to practice self love and appreciate themselves in a way in which they are worthy beyond what the scales weigh.
Most of all, I’d like us to stop having conversations around body image in which are centred around shame. Mainly so someone like me (and so many others out there too) who have battled eating disorders can sit comfortably consuming a meal without wondering if our worth is on the line based on that piece of bread we are about to put into our mouths, or the judgment that will come with admitting how much we weigh. And scratch that…. without having to care iota at all about a simple number on a scale.
Sx
I blog for Change. 