I’ve been feeling a little out of sorts recently and a few inevitable life challenges have compounded a feeling of underlying anxiety and a deep questioning of the future. I read an article recently which spoke of the difficulties involved when independent, career driven women meet someone who is a game changer. How the love which is all consuming that is felt also brings a feeling of a loss of identity because of that shift. I remember reading that piece and sensing such an emotional connection with it that I wasn’t sure how to feel about this sentiment. The only way that I know how to process things is through my writing, so here goes..
When I was younger I had this vision for myself which encompassed changing the world, fighting against injustice and being this powerful activist whose voice would be listened to and heard across the world. In the 10 years up to this point I felt as if my life, including my work was on track to that. I had it all planned out and I suppose when I thought about the possibility of love I just assumed that I would continue on the same path and love would somehow just mould into the rest of my existence. Looking back on that I understand how naïve, and in a way, how selfish that idea was.
I’ve tried to explain to my partner that the discomfort I’ve been feeling is the result of a massive shift in the direction of my life. In this way I guess I’ve held on to a strange resentment within my happiness. As if I am mourning the life that I had once projected for myself. What needs to be identified within all of this though is that I made the choice to be where I am right now. Mainly also because in spite of my lofty aspirations, my life felt empty in a way in which was soul destroying at the time. The things that I gave up to be with the person that I consider to be the love of my life aren’t losses to my individuality, as my anxiety would like me to believe. They are building blocks towards becoming the person who I am destined to be, and they have been a saving grace in a way I wasn’t yet ready to admit.
I’ve been trying to piece all of this together in my mind as I’ve attempted to work through it. A recent career change has also added to a sense of being a little lost and out of touch with who I am. All of a sudden after years of being so sure of where I was going in my career, I am slightly stumped for what is ahead at this point or even if this is the right path for me. The vulnerability that this ensues is something I am not used to and it’s left me feeling more emotionally dependent on my partner that I would want to admit. The sense of a loss of confidence, of direction and of that feeling of being so unsure of my vision for myself is debilitating in a way which I cannot find adequate words for. I understand also that the pressure I have put on myself in terms of what I am ‘supposed to achieve’, who I am ‘supposed to become’ and what that is ‘supposed to look like’ has demoralised me in a way that has distorted my own image of myself.
All of this has forced me to reflect on what it is that I want in life and to understand that change, growth and progression are never easy or comfortable. It’s made me realise that I need to forge a renewed identity for myself based on the lessons of my past, my present and where I want to move to be in the future. I need to stop mourning the loss of who I was because or who I was set to become. Because who I am becoming, with the love and support of the person I treasure the most in life, is progressing into someone pretty amazing in itself. I am not who I used to be, but that’s because life changes and evolves, and that isn’t a bad thing.
I believe in myself and in whom I am becoming. Yes this image is different than what I had initially projected but that vision was associated with the person that I was back then; it isn’t who I am now. Whether I choose to acknowledge it or not, I was stuck; I was stuck in a life that I was quickly growing out of. I admit that now begrudgingly in a sense, but truthfully nonetheless. When I made room for love in my life, it inevitably changed me; it ushered in the next stage of my life and whilst all change is uncomfortable, it is necessary. I needed to progress and grow and the unconditional love which I have been blessed with continues to be a guiding light towards wherever I head in my future. The love I feel motivates me every day and I am confident that whatever is ahead for me, for us, will equip us to forge a life worth living.
Sx
I blog for Change. 