Who am I without my career?

I was listening to a podcast this morning in which Jamila Rizvi, an Australian author and political commentator was talking about the identity crisis she faced recent. This was sparked by quitting a job she had established herself in for years and moving into the unmarked territory of something new. It definitely hit a chord in me as I’ve been experiencing something immensely similar since the start of this year.

The concept itself helped me to unpack what’s been chaotically running through my mind recently; who am I without my career? I’ve often explained that I do what I for work is not just as my 9-5 vocation. My commitment to poverty eradication and social justice makes up a core part of who I am. I’ve realised after stepping away from the not for profit (NFPs) scene that my engagement with people and communities who are working to break the poverty cycle is heavily tied with my vision of myself, and since I’ve been away from it, it’s muddied this vision entirely.

It’s sparked a question of self worth which I was not emotionally equipped to deal with. I mean the first description point in my insta tag states “humanitarian” – so am I not as committed to the fight if I’m no longer working at grassroots level? What does this mean for my identity and my vision of how I see myself?  I’ve attempted to explain that the confusion involved has made me question everything from what value do I have in this world if I am not directly involved in NFPs, to am I as empathetic and just as I thought I was. I suppose I have inexplicably branded myself without giving justice to the idea that I am a multifaceted human being who is more than just my vocation.

I’ve been trying to write more, meditate and go to yoga classes in an attempt to find my grounding again. I understand that I need to be introspective at this point and look within myself to reconnect to who I am and reaffirm that self image of my identity. But it’s difficult to do that in a way that isn’t hopeless when you feel utterly untethered.

It seems like the obvious answer right now is that I need to think about what I want and what makes me, inherently me. But the answer to that question without a second thought used to be, my career; my career is what defines me. It’s what sets me apart from everyone else. It’s what gives me the motivation to wake up every morning and go out into a cold and at times senseless world. It is what gives me hope for the future and keeps me grounded. So at a time when I am questioning all of this, how do I focus and move forward in a rational and viable way?

In all honesty, I still have no idea about what the answer is to this question. Life seems to be one big question mark where you never know whether you made the right choice by taking that job, or making that move overseas or turning down that offer for a different path. I’ve learnt that being anxious about things I can’t control is an extremely futile exercise. I don’t know about a lot of things right now, mainly the tenet that was safely anchoring me in this life all this time; that of my career. I don’t know if without it I will be the same person or be seen in the same way as I used to be. I’m not sure if my belief in myself was attached that brand in which ‘humanitarian’ led my existence.

The only thing I know for sure is that all I can do is continue to look inward and trust that who I am and what I will become is to be found within me and not simply wholly in a vocation; even if it is an altruistic and just one. I know that I am still as committed to the cause, as motivated to fight as I was before and as equipped to use my voice for positive change in this world; so I guess that’s a start.

Sx