Breathe.

So COVID-19.. what a major bummer you have been. As an introvert and an empath this whole saga has become an unwitting hell for me in a way that has crept up on me without my full awareness. Whenever people have asked “how are you coping?”, I’ve laughed it off and bookended my response with a joke or two. Then seemingly merrily continued my life with a few complaints here and there. Today however has been a day that has released an avalanche of tension and anxiety and uncertainess that has taken even me by surprise.

My current situation means that there are 4 people crammed into a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom apartment. Added to this sense of logistical tightness is the element I am an introvert and need long spells of solitude in order to reflect and recharge. If I don’t have this time I often feel disconnected and highly anxious operating in a sense of autopilot until the smallest thing pushes me completely off balance. Being deeply empathic has also meant that I pick up on the emotions of everyone around me. To attempt to describe this sensation, especially in this quarantined and uncertain environment that we currently find ourselves in means that I am consistently engulfed with an underlying sense of dread, which leaves a never ending knot in my stomach.

I’ve also been writing a lot less, actually I’ve not been writing at all since the COVID related crisis begun. Not because I didn’t want to, I’ve always found writing to be cathartic and the one thing that calms me even in times of unyielding stress. But I just mentally and physically have felt like I haven’t been able to. I made this comment the other day that I need to stop watching Instagram stories because while posting messages of to do lists, exercise tutorials and messages of living our best lives in lockdown are helpful for some; viewing them makes me feel less than for being utterly exhausted all of the time and not capable of doing many of the productive things I’ve seen others do.

For those of us that get lost in our own thoughts of inadequacy or anxiety this entire quarantine situation simply allows us more time to fall deeper down that hole. I’ve fallen into the trap of comparing myself to other people and how they are seemingly dealing so well with this situation and still staying so motivated and on top of things; meanwhile I can’t even get through breakfast without feeling like there’s an overweight elephant consistently sitting on my chest. I can’t imagine that this is pleasant for those around me who most probably have no idea what I am feeling or why I need time to myself but maybe it’s more important for me to concentrate on my own thoughts and being right now.

I’ve always understood that being the way I am may be viewed by others as somewhat strange but building health boundaries in my life, including physical ones is the only way to preserve my sense of self and quite frankly my sanity. I often feel guilty about being this way and chastise myself for being too sensitive and feeling too many things; but in the same breath I’ve learnt to accept myself and all of my little idiosyncrasies. So in a time of such high stress I have come to understand that I first need to look after myself to ensure I am treating myself kindly and with the upmost respect before I engage in anything else. I know that it’s ok to not be the best version of myself right now and that there is nothing to be ashamed of in admitting that I am struggling.

For anyone else that is feeling like this, and is struggling in this way, I want you to know that you are not alone. I want you to understand that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I don’t know what the answer is right now but I want to portray that it is OK to not have a to do list made every morning, that it’s OK not to have ticked everything off (or even one thing ticked off that list) each day and to remember that we all process and deal with things in our own way. It’s also OK to express your needs right now to those around you. Even if that need is just to take a day where you do nothing productive.

Sx