In the midst of the existential crisis I seem to be having of late, I’ve been lucky enough to have conversations with some incredible humans who I am lucky to call friends. I want to say a special thank you to these people, you know who you are, for offering your ear and an open heart in which to engage in these conversations with me. One of my friends, as we were chatting and I was relaying my anxieties and stresses over the whole ‘you’re an adult now, do what adults do episode’ paused for a moment during our conversation and presented me with a question. The question she asked was, well, is that what you want? What an interesting query and for some reason, it presented as an unexpected one. The question itself forced me to stop and really think about it on a deeper level. It also prompted me to reflect on how society makes us believe, especially as women, that we don’t have choices in life. That the path for us is set and we have to go along with it whether we like or not.
It sparks the question too about how deeply engrained these expectations lie within our own psyches. For the most part I’m not even sure if on the surface level that we could identify whether the things that are expected of us are those we truly want and desire. Think of how many times we have told a girlfriend to move past her doubts about a guy and just make it work. Once we as women get to a certain age, that becomes two-fold and we console ourselves with things such as ‘well no one is perfect’ and ‘you can always make it work’. Fair enough you can; if you want to that is. But how many of us can truly say that we live our lives purely for ourselves, without being in the shadow of others’ expectations?
People often point to choice and say that gender equality has come far because women are able to now choose what they want from their lives. However those ‘choices’ are still presented to us under a discriminatory system whereby we are limited based on gender stereotyping and expected gender roles and norms. Sure, we can decide to work after becoming mothers, but only so much. If you ‘choose’ to stay at home full time, you’ll probably be judged on how consumed your life is within your homely duties. If you go back to work full time, you’ll be judged for how much you work and subsequently then neglect your child. As women, we’re damned if we do and we’re damned if we don’t. We are judged differently based on our so-called choices because don’t forget that we must always be passive, quiet little creatures (sarcasm disclaimer).
So what am I trying to get at within all of this? The only thing I will say, because I’ve found myself questioning all of it, is make sure you embark on and invest in the things that you want. There is no one way to live and even if there was some global consensus, we as individuals would most probably be miserable living life all the same. After my friend asked me the question about what I wanted the more I thought about it, the more I realised that it was what I wanted personally for my own life. However it also made me realise that I needed to stop comparing that choice to others and make things happen in my own authentic way. How we embark on our own existences is deeply personal. We have the ability to make things work for ourselves in the way that we desire them too. But we must also be conscious that as women, our choices, if they differ to the norm, will probably make people uncomfortable and we’ll receive pushback. The thing to remember here is to be true to yourself and continue to trailblaze and follow your own path. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and don’t give in because other people don’t understand your choices.
Whilst my existential crisis continues to some extent, I feel more comfortable within myself. I feel happy that those around me continue to prompt me to challenge myself and my own thoughts. As life twists and changes, I will be faced with these questions again and again at different stages of my life. But I am confident that I will face these with a strong sense of self and never be complacent enough to think something is what I should do, simply because of my gender and what society expects from me as a result.
I blog for Change. 