To my fellow Pisceans.

I’ve been wondering of late if there is some major astrological event happening in the universe to which I can coincide my epic current state of self-doubt and turmoil. I checked and I don’t think there is which means that I can’t blame astrology alone for my woes. The only way I can describe what I’ve been feeling is a deep-seated restlessness which doesn’t seem to go away. Granted there are a few stress points in my life at the moment. My husband and I are house hunting which means needing to manage all of the administration that goes with applying for a loan and trawling through properties online. Plus going through the emotional turmoil of getting too invested in a property which we can’t secure. Work has also been giving me so much angst that I tend to feel nauseous all of the time, as if there is a knot in my stomach which just does not go away.

Whilst reflecting on these emotions I also understand that being an atypical Piscean means that I am prone to melancholy and bouts of depressive thinking. It’s an easy crutch to rest on however which means that I tend to quote this and then not do the work of digging deeper. Almost as if playing this off as a personality trait based on my star sign gives me an out in terms of actually bettering myself. What I can’t deny is that the explanation of the two fish swimming in opposite directions which represents the Pisces star sign is eerily representative of my emotions on a daily basis. This representing the constant division of a Pisceans attention between fantasy and reality. I’ve been told on more than one occasion that I view the world with rose coloured glasses and that my escapist tendencies mean that I lose myself very easily when things get hard. But the truth is that I cannot use this as an excuse to continue to retreat into my escapist utopia. I have to ground myself, remain present and fight to move forward with persistence, consistency and intent.

I’ve learnt many things about my psyche in periods of extreme turmoil. My fight or flight response has historically always meant that I run, as fast as I can away from any circumstance or situation which is not providing me content or joy. Whilst that action will alleviate my immediate boredom or discomfort, it doesn’t actually deal with that inner rumbling which needs to be attended to. I’ve started to also understand that I need people in my life who have the ability to ground me, to pull me back from my escapist mentality and remind me that I am living in this world and not the one filled with unicorns and rainbows in my head. I read excerpt about Pisceans which described how we feel everything; and I mean literally everything. I often tell my husband that he doesn’t understand all the feels that I feel ALL of the time. The piece that I was reading identified that the world is often too cruel for Pisceans to exist in; with all of its turmoil, materialism and intolerance. So it’s then easy for Pisceans to simply give up and retreat into their own world. This explains why so many of us struggle with addiction or mental health issues.

In knowing all of this I am trying to find that balance of accepting myself, who am I am inherently and continuing to push through, be more consistent and fight instead of falling back on my flight response. I’ve come to accept that I’ll always be kind of flaky and have periods where I lose myself a little in that dream of utopia. I understand that will most likely happen when I’m presented with situations that peak my anxiety or force me to question myself. But I feel blessed to have people around me that continue to be my tether. They encourage me to stay present, find solutions and push through. I’ve also learnt to be kind to myself in these moments. Lately, I’ve been trying to spend time devoted to things that bring me joy. I’ve been trying to journal more, to write and read more and to find ways to tune into my inner self and my intuition.

I admit that I am still uncomfortably attempting to unpack my restlessness and stay on top of my anxiety. It’s not easy and I certainly don’t have the solution. But I am trying to breathe, listen to my heart and quell the unnecessary noise which comes with angst. I’m also reminded every single day that the romantism which I view expectations of myself and my path in life with are not healthy. They hold me to an unrealistic higher standard and I have to remind myself that real life isn’t this way. Perfection doesn’t exist, life and people are messy. But that’s ok. I have to forge for myself the best version of the life that I want. All the while understanding that reality is not fantasy; that I still need to show up and keep going in spite of difficulties or cruelty or set backs; and towards this, I will certainly try.