Changes.

The last time I wrote was such a long time ago. I could trope around the usual excuses about work deadlines, family commitments and general life admin getting in the way. But the truth is I’ve felt a bit lost and it’s meant that I haven’t had the motivation to sit down and write. Writing really does feel like a muscle, the more you use/exercise it, the stronger it becomes. Of late I’ve questioned not only my own ability to write and also the label I’ve identified with, as a writer itself. Can I still call myself a writer/blogger if the last time I produced a piece was months ago?

There’s something here about adjusting to changes in life and still making room for the things that you love and bring you joy. I’ve often said that I’m a better person when I write, so why has it been so easy to abandon the pursuit as soon as life gets hard? The whole concept has made me re-evaluate so many things and begin to question assumptions that I had made long ago and never really thought about again. I’ve also been notoriously terrible at keeping a journal; even though it helps me to work through the toxicity that enters my mind at times. I can see within myself that I’ve grown more and more anxious as I’ve aged and I’ve begun to understand that I feel a complete lack of control in general which is making me question myself. However, I’ve found that on the days in which I sit down and put these thoughts to paper I’m able to leave them on the page, walk away and focus on the day ahead with a better attitude. 

Without this practice I’ve found myself slipping into a very negative place, being extremely reactionary and not being able to control the resulting downward spiral into what seems like oblivion. On the days that I don’t write, I am far more defensive. I tend to overthink everything which feeds into my anxiety. I’ve always been a jumpy person but on these specific days I feel that any small thing could tip me over the edge and it then takes me days to recover. On top of this, it’s so hard to explain this feeling to anyone else around which makes it difficult for those who are with me the majority of the time. I’ve noticed that I tend to fixate on things more on these days and I just cannot move on and leave that feeling be.

I’ve also started to understand that I’ve used the excuse of being an anxious person without drawing on the tools that will assist me to deal with it in everyday life. I haven’t allowed myself enough space to sit with my thoughts in a healthy way and practise inward gratitude and kindness. I’ve found myself fixating on the past, a past version of myself and a life I once had. All the while not acknowledging that I’ve changed, for the better, that I’ve evolved and that I’ve had to. I have to acknowledge that I’m not that same person anymore and that I’m wasting too much time looking back when I should instead be looking forward. 
I want to be that person that takes every bump that comes along with life with a good and healthy attitude. I don’t want to get stuck in the ‘poor me’ mentality, but it’s hard to see beyond the struggles right now. I understand that periods of adulthood are hard, that life will probably get harder from here and I need to accept that. I am trying to work on myself, to remind myself of how lucky I am and remembering that my mindset in how I respond to challenges will be what ultimately defines my quality of life.

Right now, I have a lot of unanswered questions as I attempt to look into that crystal ball toward my future. I can see where I want to be but the path ahead to how I get there is slightly murky. With this in mind, all I can do for now is practice living in the present. I’ve been so bad at this previously but I am actively trying now. I’m attempting to be kind to myself, practice gratitude and live in the moment; wish me luck!