Imposter Syndrome.

I’ve been feeling a crazy amount of imposter syndrome of late and it’s seeped into other areas of my life as a result. In my personal life I’ve found myself being overly sensitive, seeking more and more validation from those closest to me and I’ve also been extremely critical of this same group at the same time. I’ve been doing some research on the reasons on why this level of negative critique of my loved ones and myself has been occuring more increasingly of late and I’ve realised that it’s become an extension of my inner voice. I’ve been the opposite of kind to myself and this is therefore bleeding into my interpersonal relationships; and not for the better.

I’ve found that thoughts of being a fraud constantly take up space in my mind. It’s a well researched fact that more women than men experience this feeling in the professional space. Which could be for a whole range of reasons. Some that come to mind are that we hold ourselves to unattainable standards that are linked with societal expectations. These are also linked to consistent critique on our bodies, on our choices and everything in between. We are forced to justify ourselves at every step in so many spaces that it feels that this has deeply seeped into our psyches. It has warped our internal voices which consistently whisper to us that we are not enough.

All of this has made me doubt my abilities and question myself at every step of the way. Nothing ever seems to be good enough and I’ve struggled to pinpoint my successes or wins. I wonder if this is not due to the fact that I’ve had none, but instead due to a fragmented sense of not being able to acknowledge success in general. The notion of Imposter Syndrome makes a person not feel confident or competent, regardless of what they achieve, or how much they achieve.It makes them question and doubt their abilities irrespective of results at hand. The never ending pressure to succeed, to continuously strive for improvement in an already complex organisational space has made me question myself professionally on many occasions. 

I’ve also identified a continuous fear of not living up to expectations. I think my empathy ties into this as well which makes distinguishing my own emotions difficult at times. I pick up on lots of different vibes and in a workplace in which everyone is unhappy and struggling, it’s almost impossible for me to untangle my emotions and my sense of self. I’ve somehow tied my sense of confidence, of capability with an entity that in reality I don’t have much influence over at my level of employment. It has warped my thinking and forced me into a place of over sensitivity and at times defensiveness where it does not belong. I’ve been incredibly hard on myself, holding myself to rigid standards that shouldn’t be attributed to living a high quality of life as a mere human being. I know I’m not superhuman but why do I expect myself to be?!

It’s really interesting for me to reflect on the fact that I always find myself providing advice to others to be kind to themselves, to take things slowly and acknowledge that we’re all just doing the best that we can. But lately I haven’t been affording myself the same courtesy. I’ve felt emotionally exhausted almost every day and struggle to find the motivation to keep toiling in my professional life. I’ve questioned whether I even have the skills to be in this space. On my lowest days, I’ve considered just leaving the industry and rethinking my entire approach to my professional life. But on the days in which a ray of hope shines itself brightly, I remember what I’ve achieved to get here. I remember that nothing worth having in life comes easy. I’ve forced myself to recognise my expertise, independent of organisational dysfunction. I’ve tried to remember what I do well, to identify and celebrate that. I’ve attempted to change or shift my thinking incrementally and also to always recognise that no one is perfect. I’m trying my very best to stay grounded and surround myself with those who love me. I’m trying to remember that perfection is unattainable; and that’s okay. For as long as I wake up each day and try my best, I’m not failing myself.