Recently I was asked to present at my old high school’s annual careers day. This was the second time I had been asked and taken up the offer. The last time I presented was many years ago when I was at the height of my travels for work. Back then I was managing up to 10 disability inclusive development programs for CBM with my portfolio focusing on India. I remember at the time I had lots of photos and stories from the field which I had just acquired from recent travels. I remember the Year 11 and Year 12 students listening to my experiences with bated breath and so many of them came up to me after the presentation to ask how they could get involved. This time around things have changed dramatically; I have barely travelled in the time since and my personal circumstances have changed also. I remember saying ‘I’m a bit more tied down of late’. I also found myself explaining to the students present that as you move higher and higher in your career path, the further and further away you get from the grassroots level and the impact. It made me reflect on what success means and how at times it can simply make you feel hollow.
There’s no denying that the COVID-19 pandemic changed the nature of how development and humanitarian work has functioned since its onset. All of a sudden we weren’t allowed to travel, we felt isolated and disconnected from our peers, from implementation of the programs we managed at community level. For many who entered the field to make a difference and fight for social justice and change, it felt like we were simply undertaking a 9-5 corporate job. But that’s what became the new normal for us for many years. Personally, I’m yet to undertake international travel for work since and I’d forgotten how much I missed it. I’d forgotten how much it was a part of who I was and subsequently who I am; and will be. As I spoke to those students and they asked me questions about the best parts of my job, I recalled the conversations I’ve had with people along the way. I spoke to them about my travels through India and the sense of sisterhood that I felt which compelled me to continue on within the international development sphere. I’ve been missing that motivation because to be honest, I’ve felt disconnected from it.
I recently got a promotion and moved up to a Head of the Program Delivery Unit at CARE Australia. Whilst this is a huge step in my career and I’m very grateful for it, it also takes me further away from the real work that occurs and is driven by partner organisations and project participants at grassroots level. I spoke to the high school students about how the majority of what I do now is people management. I no longer get to dive into the depths of project management which means I no longer speak to people in the countries and communities we work in anymore. What this has all meant is that when things get tough, as they inevitably do when managing people and personalities in complex environments, the commitment to keep going sometimes just isn’t there. By being away from the field for so long I’ve forgotten what motivates me, I’ve lost sight of the development gains that have been made as part of these programs. Those conversations that I had with women’s right organisations in Ranchi, India are all but a distant memory; and without them I’ve somehow felt rudderless.
Now I know how depressing this all sounds, but there is a ray of hope. This weekend I’m travelling to Timor Leste with a member of my team to visit the Country Office we work with and the implementing partners who deliver on the grants that we manage. I will be travelling to several of the community sites in which CARE implements its Disaster READY programming. I will once again have the opportunity to meet with community members and project participants. I will get to speak to them, sit down and eat with them and support them in the endeavour to empower themselves and elevate themselves out of poverty. I will get to hear their stories, speak to them about their aspirations in life. I know deep in my core that this will reinvigorate my drive, my commitment and will enable me to draw on those memories when I return to Melbourne. So the next time I visit my old school, I’ll have new experiences and memories to provide and stories to inspire the next generation with through drawing on what keeps me going.
I blog for Change. 