Identity.

I’ve been reflecting over the last few days about resilience and what this concept looks like. In my work life I often hit massive barriers and it sometimes feels like all I do is chase my tail and put bandaids on things; only to have them fester again later. I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling really tired and fatigued as a result of constantly going in circles. Upon further reflection I’ve understood that this is what burnout feels like and last week I really hit my limit. I was overcome with emotions which ranged from frustration to sadness, hopelessness and then pure rage. At the time I remember chastising myself after every interaction and feeling utterly bewildered as to why I had such strong reactions to things in that moment. I remember then questioning everything about myself and my professional abilities as an outcome. But the more that I think about these things the more I realise I’m just tired. I am mentally exhausted within my work life and it’s seeping into every other orifice of my existence. It’s making my ability to regulate my emotions extremely difficult and taking up space in my brain that is resulting in the detriment of my ability to do my job well.

When I first opened up this document this morning I was going to write an article about the need to pivot when we hit a wall; about using a downward spiral as the impetus to change approaches and continue to thrive. But after the events of last week I think an introspection is the more appropriate and compelling initiative which is needed right now. I have consistently written previously about the need to continue to nourish ourselves, to be kind to ourselves and to maintain a necessary balance in life. For whatever reason I have really lost sight of this of late and gotten lost in viewing myself and my identity solely through the measurement of my performance at work. I’ve tied my personal abilities, my resilience and my core capabilities into a tight bundle with my 9-5 job. To be fair, I’ve never viewed my job as something I just turn up and get paid for. It’s always been a calling for me and I’m invested in this industry to nurture the endeavour of achieving impact and change as much as possible. But somewhere down the line I confused this passion with using it as a measurement of myself.

As I spiralled last week on what I perceived to be inherent injustices, inequity and unfairness within my working environment, I forgot about who I was outside of all of this. Being in a management position and feeling like an instrument of my organisation, has made me feel a lack of impartiality not just for myself, but on behalf of all of those who report to me. I have somehow tied the organisation’s shortcomings with my own identity and have therefore felt personally responsible for things I don’t agree with. To say this situation has made me feel uncomfortable would be an understatement. That discomfort has seeped into who I am and what I stand for and has left me feeling a sense of sheer helplessness. On top of this, it’s made me question whether or not I am being true to myself by adhering to rules which seem to be completely illogical or downright unfair in my own interpretation.

Within all of this I have also realised how much I had been neglecting my own needs as a human being. Slowly over the last year and a half my work life has eaten into every part of my existence. As a result, I have neglected relationships with those closest to me. I’ve forgotten about the need to fill my own cup and nurture my own well being and mental health. Professionally I’ve put everyone else’s needs above my own without looking within first. It’s certainly been a rude awakening for me which has forced me to re-centre myself. I’ve been trying to separate my personal identity from the dysfunction of my work life. I’ve been trying to remind myself of the things that are beyond my scope of influence and reflect on those that are out of my control. I’ve attempted to draw on my core abilities of empathy, kindness and resilience and remind myself that I am simply doing my best every day; and as long as I stay true to those values, I will never let those who report to me down. 

For now, I will continue to work on myself, to build my resilience and try to not muddy the line between who I am at my core, and the things that I need to fall in line with in order to serve an organisational mandate. I will continue to be honest and transparent in all of my interactions, but to nuance that with understanding that I can’t control everything and that I am not personally responsible for everything. I will remind myself everyday that I am enough. I will remind myself that I am worthy and that I will work on taking better care of myself everyday. So that I can operate in a space in which I don’t call my identity into question every time something detrimental happens in my professional life.