As I’ve entered into the new year I wish I could say that I have come into it with vigour and hopefulness. Instead I feel like I’ve staggered into 2024 with a sense of tiredness and questioning of so very many things. As a humanitarian I often say that my identity is tied to my vocation. It’s so deeply entangled with who I am in such a way, that I don’t see my work as being just part of my professional life. It’s personal for me. I’ve been in the industry since my late teens where I interned with the World Food Programme and realised that this would be my path in life. I’ve worked for INGOs now for the better part of 14 years and not once have I wavered in my commitment. No matter what I’ve seen globally, or the atrocities that human beings have committed against each other, I have always thought of myself and my colleagues to be an integral part of reminding others what their basic obligations are as human beings and under international humanitarian law. I’ve understood my role in supporting peacebuilding, humanitarian response and enabling people in vulnerable situations to rebuild their lives with dignity and agency. However what I have seen being perpetrated against Palestinians since October 7th has unravelled all my confidence in the rules based order that we comply with. It has made me wonder if everything I had believed about my vocation is in fact upside down and if the scope for humanitarianism is as pure as I had believed.
What has been one of the most painful things as a practitioner operating the humanitarian response space has been our collective inability to do anything in the face of an unfolding genocide. We have had to sit back and watch whilst getting horrifying details in the form of sitreps and flash alerts that speak of human suffering on an unbearable level. We have understood the apocalyptic-like conditions that are taking place in Gaza and we have been unable to action the basics which include sending funds in without avoiding questions about diversion of funds and terrorism clauses. It’s also been incredibly difficult to watch Western leaders who have previously sold themselves as beacons of justice and morality, not only ignoring the massacre of Palestinians in Gaza but performing a perfunctory gaslighting on a mass level. We continue to be told that it’s very sad that civilian life is being lost but the right to ‘self defence’ of this particular nation state is more important than 30,000 lives.
I heard an interview a few weeks ago with a prominent Hollywood actress who has served as a UN goodwill ambassador for many years. In that particular interview she spoke of the situation in Gaza and highlighted an uncomfortable truth. This truth is that the cover of international humanitarian standards only seem to apply for those who adhere to Western imperialist ideologies. The collective global standards for morality seem to be set and then distorted by proximity positioning of those closest to power wielders. All of this basically means that international ‘rules’ and standards for behaviour and common decency don’t apply in an equal or equitable way. The situation of what is playing out in Gaza is the quintessential example of this. Which actually explains why there is currently a public outcry in which the majority of citizens in Western countries are calling for an immediate ceasefire and yet Western leaders continue to speak of Israel’s right of ‘defence’, as an enabler to continue the killings.
In the midst of all of this, someone who I know and love asked me last year if I should be taking a social media break and allowing myself some space to stop consuming and resharing videos and images coming out of Gaza. They asked me if I should be doing more to protect my own mental health and my response was absolutely not. I feel it my duty to, at least, continue to advocate for a Free Palestine, for an end to the bombardment of Gaza and an end to the wider occupation. I will continue to do this even at the expense of my own mental health. It’s honestly the least I can do. Since that conversation I have been thinking about why I feel this so strongly and I think it is down to a deep seated guilt which is twofold. One side of this touches on the basic feeling in which I draw on my humanity and understand that whilst I have the luxury of taking a ‘social media break’; Palestinians in Gaza cannot take a break from being massacred. The other part of this guilt sits uncomfortably in the space in which I should be able to do more as a humanitarian, but I can’t.
Unlike all other circumstances of humanitarian disaster, manmade of otherwise, I cannot in this instance organise to get funding into where it’s needed the most. I cannot support country teams and partners on the ground with distributing essentials for human life. I cannot influence power holders by resharing first hand accounts of hell on earth conditions resulting in the release of much needed aid and cash assistance. All I can do is watch as more and more die. As babies and toddlers are maimed, orphaned and losing limbs. As mothers lose children, husbands and family members. As women are forced to menstruate without access to sanitary pads and water. As women, men and children are being starved as a weapons of warfare. As Palestinians are dehumanised and left to die in their tens of thousands. I cannot ever forget what I have seen and the complete apathy that this has been met with by those in positions of power. I will never forget that the Western world set back and enabled a genocide and held its perpetrators up as being victims allowing complete impunity for their murderous actions. What this means for me as a humanitarian moving forward is now a complete anomaly. I’ve lost my faith in the international standards that are a framework for my vocation, for my identity as a human being and have been a guiding light for my entire existence. I honestly don’t know where we as humanity go from here and that scares me the most.
I blog for Change. 