To healing.

I’ve been struggling to regulate my emotions of late and the complete lack of control has really pushed me to my limits. I know my reactivity, my lack of tolerance right now and my irritability is related to hormonal imbalances and attempts at processing grief and loss; however none of this makes any of it easier to navigate. I find myself at odds with my own consciousness most of the time in which I feel like I’m somewhat sleepwalking through life. I’ve read so many articles about dealing with grief; many of them point to being kind to yourself, allowing yourself space and time to heal. But how one enacts these things whilst being expected to carry on with everyday life is what I am grappling with the most. 

The trauma of grief and loss has also managed to weasel its way into other aspects of my life. One of the most surprising of these, has been how it’s left me lacking in purpose and making me feel like I’ve lost my motivation. For someone that prides themselves on their passion, it’s hit me pretty hard. It has certainly left me feeling a pattern of emptiness in which it’s been difficult to see past. As the weeks have gone on, I’ve started to understand that this haze which I’ve been operating under will pass over time and I’m trying my best to make my peace with that. I’m attempting to take it all as a blessing and allow myself to slow down. To focus on the simple things and not put too much pressure on achieving or forging ahead with life goals right now. The powerlessness that I’ve faced has pushed me to look at the little things that I need to be grateful for and to take small steps right now, so that I can make those leaps further down the path when I’ve had time to rest and heal. But whilst I rationally understand all of this, it is much easier said than done.

The act of allowing myself to feel has been one of the most important aspects of my journey of the last month or so. This has included allowing myself to feel sad, to feel hurt, to feel like something has been taken from me; or in my case, multiple things. There is definitely a fine line in sitting with sadness and wallowing in it but I’m trying to find that balance. What I’ve learnt is that a part of this healing journey includes taking those who have been there for me, along with me on this path, and not attempting to soldier on in solitude. For the most part, I feel like I’m pretty in tune with my emotions and I can identify what is going on in my heart and my head the majority of the time. But what I’ve also realised is that I struggle to articulate this to those around me, and to be able to convey what I need from them in those moments. I expect people to be as emotionally in tune as I am and therefore to anticipate my needs. But I’m starting to realise that this is an unfair assumption to expect others to live up to all of the time.

These days I am trying to actively express what I am feeling, to put healthy boundaries in place and explain why these are important within my healing process. I am trying to speak up even in times when my voice breaks. I am seeking professional help in the hope that I don’t bury these feelings and just move on with life. I want to unpack them and I understand that this will take courage and patience, but I am wholeheartedly committed to doing so. I also understand that I’m not alone in this. I have been humbled by the amount of people who reached out to me after seeing my last post. I am so grateful to every one of you who have had the courage to share their own stories. It made me realise how much we suffer in silence and how little we know about what is occurring in someone else’s life in the background at any given time. 

I continue to put in the work to heal, and whilst I understand that this will take time, I will keep moving forward nonetheless. I am thankful for my loved ones within all of this who have been so patient with me; and I’m also thankful to the community that is the readership of this blog. To more hopeful times ahead.