The last few weeks have been incredibly trying for me; and I say that with an understanding and acknowledgement of the hell that the last 4 months have been. I think for a long period of time, I sort of just shut down, compartmentalised and went into firefighting mode where everything was about survival. The last month or so however has seen somewhat of a return to ‘normal’, or at least a return to a ‘new normal’ and I’ve had time to simply breathe. But part of moving into the recovery phase from life shocks means that we have more time to process; and processing and coming to terms with reality can be incredibly painful.
Part of what I am trying to focus on for the rest of the year is just healing. I’m back in therapy, I’m trying to exercise more, nurture my personal relationships more and practise self love and self acceptance. But allowing myself that time to sit with my feelings and process the events of the past few months has meant reliving some of that trauma, as well as processing that things are different now. I’ve had to accept where I am at this point in my life and if I’m being completely honest, where I am right now is a little lost.
I’ve likened my current state of being several times in conversation as trying to feel my way forward tepidly in the dark. It feels terrifying as things that were once well known to me, in terms of my surroundings, now feel completely alien to me. Within this predicament, I have no idea where I’m going and the light which usually represents a new dawn just isn’t coming to fruition. As I’ve attempted to reflect on this feeling I’ve also identified other underlying factors which are making me feel the way I do. Being knocked off my career trajectory has instilled so many doubts about my own capabilities and it’s affected my confidence and my drive to succeed. For the first time in a long time, I am questioning my destiny.
I’ve also noticed that my motivation has been severely lacking. I feel like I’ve been knocked around so much by life lately that I’m just floating along, silently, because I don’t have the energy or the emotional will to put myself out there and try again wholeheartedly. Whilst I understand that this feeling is part of grief, that it’s part of acceptance leading me to moving on, it’s still debilitating. I find myself rationally understanding why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling, but being completely unable to exit the slope that’s pushing me down that slippery slide.
I was told by a psychic earlier in the year that this particular year in my own personal journey was going to be one of healing. I tend to agree with this notion but I didn’t expect how painful the process would be. I recently heard the term ‘we have to feel to heal’ which explains that pain is a part of healing and without allowing ourselves to make sense of these emotions, we can never move on. This concept has also been referred to as post-traumatic growth. I’ve now come to understand that every person’s journey towards healing will look different and that this process is never linear. Personally, I’ve tried to control this process and even project manage it, in which I attempt to see out a healing process from one traumatic experience, solve it, put it on the shelf and then move on to the next. Obviously, this is not how healing or even trauma works and trying to fix things all at once never results in anything tangible.
For me, right now, I am trying to be comfortable sitting in this discomfort. I’m attempting to use the tools I’ve been provided with the help of my psychologist and continue to take one step forward each day. There are days when I struggle to even take that step but I always remember that pain is a part of growth and I want to grow and learn and flourish; even if that takes time.
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