To Discomfort.

To say I have felt a nagging and ever present sense of frustration and discomfort this year would be a woefully inept understatement. I have watched on passively as so much of what I thought was destined for me has passed me by, in what felt like the sudden blink of an eye. As a result I’ve found myself lashing out at times in ways that I know should be completely foreign to me; but I can’t help but go down that path anyway. Of course I understand that the underlying contributor to all of this is that things just simply have not gone to plan. What this has left me with is a deep sense of discomfort which will not go away no matter how much I struggle against it. 

As I have come to identify this sensation I’ve also allowed myself to think deeply about it, in an attempt to process it. I’ve come to realise that pain is a necessary, if not uncomfortable, part of growth and instead of fighting with every fibre of my being against it, I need to embrace it in order to move forward. I saw a quote the other day which basically read ‘one can never grow from a place of comfort’ and it hit a chord in me which represented a proverbial lightbulb moment. Rather than viewing the events of this past year as failures which indicate inefficiencies and ineptitude within myself, I need to shift my perspective to set the scene for my future by viewing everything that has happened as an opportunity. Perhaps discomfort occurs as a pathway for growth and presents a catalyst for necessary change. 

In knowing all of this, the concept of failure has still been one which has dominated my thoughts for a while now. I feel like I have failed in so many areas of my life and whilst I’ve met this with continuing to push, to strive to overcome and be better, I’ve seen no tangible outcomes as a result. This has seemingly manifested itself in a sense of deep shame that I should be doing more with my life. It has indicated to me that I’m capable of more so it continues to then present anger, frustration and a sense of desperation that as much as I try, I can’t force a different result. In order to keep going without losing my sanity completely, I’ve had to come to terms with accepting what I can’t control. It has been deeply uncomfortable but inevitable in a way. I have been forced to reframe my discomfort and to remind myself that this too shall pass and at this time all I can do is be patient and offer myself compassion.

Whilst I understand that I am my harshest critic, it is very difficult to let go of a life that I’ve always envisioned for myself. I’ve come to understand how naive it is to expect life to present a linear progression without any deviations. But I’ve always struggled with control and the concept of letting go terrifies me more than anything. One thing that I know for sure however is that the results of everything seemingly going wrong, have forced me to abandon the future I saw for myself which was already tinted by rose coloured glasses. The inevitable slip ups that this year has presented has meant that I am a different person than I was before then. I am a more patient, tolerant and calmer version of myself than I ever have been. In having to push through my many setbacks this year I have built a level of perseverance and determination that simply wasn’t there before. 

I’ve also come to understand that perception is everything and whilst I can’t see evidence of changes right now, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t occurring somewhere in the background. Perhaps I was already on the wrong path and I just didn’t realise it. Maybe I needed my life to change course quickly in order to put me back on the right path and as uncomfortable as all of this is, it’s a necessary part of me becoming who I am supposed to be. Perhaps this is a lesson I need to learn and sit with, even if I don’t recognise myself right now. Maybe all of this is okay and a necessary part of change and transition; and right now I just need to ride the waves of uncertainty holding onto the faith and belief within me.