To 2025.

I feel like I’ve had somewhat of an awakening at the start of this year. As if I had been slumbering for a decade and only now arose from a deep sleep. I suppose part of this is because I felt like I was merely surviving last year and it all resembled such a blur of trauma and heartache. 

For much of 2024, I felt like so many things were taken from me when it came to my career and I was desperately trying to get back to that same spot where I had been before it all fell apart. As a result of this, I put myself out there so much, I went through so many recruitment processes and I can’t even recall how many interviews I went on. After every failed interview I felt like I was losing another part of myself, of my confidence and my ability. In all of my life up until that point I had never doubted myself or the impact I would have in this life. But after each failed recruitment I felt like a shell of who I had been before and doubted everything that I had previously believed about my own capabilities.

When it came to trying to start our family, I wore my heart on my sleeve and for an instance I opened my heart up to the possibility of another being, only to have that taken away from me so quickly. There was a part of me that broke that will never be the same and the grief involved with acknowledging that took something else from me which had been innate to who I was up until that moment; the eternal optimist who was always hopeful.

In acknowledging all of this, I want to embark on this year differently. This year, whilst I want to experience new things, I also want to practice realism and to protect myself and shield my heart somehow from the cruelty of this world.It’s not that I want to isolate myself, its very much the opposite but I feel like so much was taken from me last year and in turn I gave so much of myself away to others unwittingly, that for now I need to put myself first again.I realised that I put my own validation in the hands and minds of others and as a result I lost myself along the way.

A part of coming to terms with this means that I acknowledge that I let myself down in that way, but I need to let go and move in a different direction now. One in which I am in the drivers seat of my own life, of my own happiness. This year will be all about investing in doing the things that I love. And I mean that I genuinely love. I’ve come to realise that I have been guilty of trying to force myself to do things that society would want or expect me to do. I’ve pushed myself to do things to get out of my comfort zone without questioning if they are at all enjoyable to me. This year I’m not interested in that. This year my focus is to look within, listen to my heart and soul and follow my passions regardless of whether I am adjudging myself to be making upwards progress in life or not.

Sometimes life tends to push us off a direction that we were certain was destined for us. Only to then prompt us to question what we really want. For a long time I had no idea who I was outside of my career. I felt like being a humanitarian was the foremost part of my identity and everything else was wrapped up around that. At times when my career has faltered, this has led to debilitating identity crises. My misfortunes last year have forced me to see myself outside of a binary in which I would usually judge success against. For a long time, success in my career was my only metric for a life well lived. But I’ve come to realise that there is so much more to me than just this one thing. 

In 2025 I am leaning into listening to my heart and doing things that make me happy. I am taking a slower pace to life and not judging myself on whether or not I am embarking on activities which will propel me forward towards success. I am not letting my career consume me or solely take over my identity. I am investing in cultivating other passions, whilst at the same time actively protecting my heart. This year I am protecting myself first and foremost.