Something that I’ve been grappling with since I came off the contraceptive pill over a year ago are hormonal imbalances which take over every aspect of my life, and not in a good way. The stats say that hormonal balances are common in many different stages of life and can cause a wide range of emotions from irritability, anxiety and even depression. For me I have experienced all of these as well as never ending sadness and melancholy. It’s also caused variations in weight; for me this has meant weight gain, bloating and lethargy. I’ve had difficulty sleeping which wakes me up at all hours of the early morning where I find myself wide awake with debilitating anxiety.
The worst symptoms of all for me have been an ongoing feelings of hopelessness, but at the same time a never ending torturous restlessness that never allows me to settle. It’s left me feeling hopeless and pessimistic which is an anomaly for me given that I am usually the ultimate optimist who believes that anything is truly possible. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve had nothing to look forward to and even the activities that I would have been excited about, no longer elicit any kind of response or feeling except for sheer apathy. Whilst I feel like I am a slave to my emotions of late, I also understand that my hormones being completely out of whack are the root cause for all this. But in acknowledging that however, it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with.
Another unfortunate victim of my hormonal imbalances have been my previously clear skin. In the last 6 months I’ve never had so much acne, which has been a symptom of imbalances in general plus an added element of a result of recurrent miscarriages in a short period of time. This has wreaked absolute havoc in my life as it’s meant that I’ve lost my confidence and forced me to retreat and hide in so many areas of my life. Whilst it sounds entirely superficial, this combined with feelings of hopelessness have made self care, self gratitude and self kindness almost impossible. All of a sudden when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognise myself anymore and it’s left me with very little to hold onto as a result.
My emotional reactivity has also been completely out of control of late and even if I can sense what’s coming, I can’t seem to do anything to stop it from exploding. I then go through a cycle of reacting, apologising and feeling guilty for the entire episode. These intense mood swings then generally take me down the slippery slope of being inherently self critical and its rinse, cycle and repeat all again.
If it isn’t sheer rage which I’ve been experiencing, it’s alternatively been uncontrollable sobbing without really understanding why. What makes this even more confusing is that the next day I will feel perfectly fine without an adequate reason for why I was so beside myself the day before. It’s as if all rationality goes completely out the window and for those of who already had predisposed anxiety symptoms at play, it pushes us to the point of panic attacks at the most inopportune times.
I wish I could say that I’ve found a panacea for all of these symptoms. I wish I could convey that I have the answer for all women going through this. The answer is I don’t, but I do feel that it’s important to share my journey, whilst I am in the midst of it. I’ve slowly learnt ways to manage my symptoms and distract myself temporarily whilst they pass. I’ve come to accept that it’s okay if I give in to these symptoms sometimes and that my loved ones will understand and love me still. I’ve started to be kinder to myself in this temporary but very volatile time in my life. I’ve attempted to focus on the smaller things, a beautiful sunset, a day spent reading in the sun, quality time spent with my husband and my dog.
Whilst I don’t necessarily recognise myself now, I know that this won’t last forever and all I need to come out the other side is to keep going. I am trying to not let my emotions control me. I am trying to not be angry with myself when I fail to do this and for now, that’s all I can do and for now, that is entirely enough.
I blog for Change. 