With an open heart.

As I was driving into work today I was greeted by the most glorious sunrise which presented through incredible pink skies. The joy that this immediately elicited in me is difficult to explain but felt deeply to my core. In that moment there was only one thought that came into my mind where I was reminded by the infinite possibilities that await me in this lifetime. I remember thinking, and reaffirming to myself, that it is with an open heart that I move forward into this life that is destined for me. 

I saw an article recently about the magic that comes with living with an open heart which allows one to feel deeply in which we give ourselves space to grieve, to mourn, to love all in our own time. Living with an open heart entails releasing oneself from fear or judgment and being open to anything that may come our way. It entails the duality of continuing to be vulnerable whilst living life courageously. It means leaning into compassion and empathy even if it means opening ourselves up to heartbreak. It ultimately entails letting go and moving forward, towards the next experience, the next opportunity without fear or apprehension. For me this has meant freeing myself from the confines of what others expect of me. It has meant accepting that my life is my own and no one else’s and that therefore, I don’t need to explain myself or justify my choices to those who do not understand them.

Whilst my future may not look the way I had once imagined it to, that’s completely acceptable because life very rarely does. It very rarely goes to plan but that is where the true beauty lies. I’ve always been someone who has been lost in the possibility of my future. Even though different stages of my life have entailed different dreams, I’ve consistently been caught up in the concept of enjoying life once I achieve said dream; as opposed to living in the moment. This has unintentionally robbed me of the joy that happens in the very moment as I’ve been too busy envisioning a better, more prosperous future which looks a very specific way.

As a result, the concept of being present and staying in the moment is something I have worked on for a long time. I’m an idealist by nature and this means that I tend to wander into a state of disillusion and escapism if something isn’t serving me or isn’t unfolding the way I had imagined. Last year after so much loss, I worked with my psychologist on attempting to simply be in every moment that is presented to me. To move through life with less critical expectations of myself and of the outcome of anything that unfolds in my life. I had to work on not living in the future, but on sitting with what is my reality right now and accepting it all. I’ve had to consistently work on not letting my mind wander too far off into the distance; or be disappointed by an unexpected event which presented itself along the way.

All of this has been incredibly difficult to consistently achieve but it’s allowed me to find joy in the smallest things.These days I look forward to having my morning coffee out of my ornately decorated mug emblazoned with 3D strawberries. I find joy in my morning walks and the wild daffodils I encounter along the way. In actuality, I find beauty and joy in everything I encounter; even what may appear as the most mundane. But I suppose this encompasses my innate ability to find wonder, intrigue and appreciation in everything I encounter.

I’ve learnt that healing as a process unduly involves an active participation, willingness and the intent to commit to moving forward. Whether that is in steps, crawling or being dragged. It would be easy to move forward and lock away my heart or to be cynical and never hope again; history would indicate that being hopeful only opens myself up to loss so surely protecting my heart by closing it off completely would be the only answer?! But alas, that just isn’t for me. I have learnt many lessons in this period of my life. I’ve been taught the importance of patience and the impact that resilience in general has which was built from heartache. I’ve learnt how poignant it is to be deeply connected to others whilst still ensuring that I protect myself and my boundaries. Most vitally, I’ve learnt the ability to only give my heart to those who deserve it.

Strangely now more than ever, my heart is more open than it has ever been. In spite of the trauma, in spite of the loss of what could have been. I have learnt to embrace the imperfect in ways I had never done before and appreciate what’s in front of me instead of wherever my mind wants to race off to. This has left my heart and my soul open to any opportunities that may come my way and it’s not wedded me to one way of living. This leaves me with the feeling that anything is possible and if that is not truly exciting, I don’t know what would be.