Heartbreak.

In recent times I have tried to explain the way I’ve processed emotions and how I’ve tried to move forward in life. People have often asked me how I’ve been able to get over all of the trauma I’ve had to endure in the last few years. My response is always, you never get over it. But with time, things hurt a little less and your memories of that loss begin to fade, even if only slightly. I once told a friend that my heart would never be full again until I had that illusive child, that rainbow baby that I was longing for. But I’ve realised that is not quite right. My heart is broken in a way that it will always be slightly broken. Those scars will always be with me and they will always be evident. But that doesn’t stop me from continuing to live. I move forward even though my heart has been shattered; for now I patch it together with what feels like temporary band aids. But all wounds heal over time. The scar tissue will forever be noticeable but it carries with it my story and my journey as a human being.

The process of grieving is a complex and often stunted operation which arises at the most surprising of times. Grief is unfortunately life long but it ebbs and flows with the tides of time. I had a thought the other day that I will always be grieving the 4 potential children that I could have had by now. Their memory and their presence will always be with me and at the time I wondered if this would overshadow my entire existence. But I suppose that’s what loss is in general and if anything is true, and a constant in our experience as human beings, it’s that we’ll lose people along the way. What determines how our paths will turn out is how we recover and keep going after that point. 

There’s almost an element of letting go of that pain, of that heartbreak, of that sadness that needs to happen in order to move on. This doesn’t mean that you are not still deeply affected or that you suddenly forget. It just means that you make the choice to hold that memory in your heart, honour its presence but keep fighting and hoping for more in life. It doesn’t mean that you don’t falter or collapse into an emotional heap at times. To this day I am still triggered by pregnancy announcements, even though I know that this is not something that I want or will be pursuing for myself anymore. At those times I have to sit with my emotions, dig deeper into their underlying motivations and remind myself that my journey in life is different to others. I remind myself that the source of my pain is due to the losses that I have endured and that it’s okay to feel sad in those moments, and to mourn the little souls that never got the chance to walk by my side.

In saying all of this, I’ve tried to explain to people that my expression of these emotions on such a public forum isn’t actually a cry for help. It doesn’t mean that I’m not doing okay, it’s simply my way of processing. Writing for me represents a cathartic pursuit which allows me to sit with my feelings, acknowledge them but then leave them on the page and move forward. I open these pieces up for public view simply so others who may be silently going through any of these things see my honesty and feel a little less alone. 

The truth is my resilience has been born out of trauma but it’s made me a more aware, mentally strong and patient person. It’s forced me to acknowledge my privilege in other areas of my life and to practice gratitude. I view the world differently because of my heartbreak. I choose to honour that heartbreak by acknowledging it and not shying away from the pain that it induces.I share this pain because it’s all part of the human experience and maybe being honest about it will help us all collectively grieve and then ultimately let go.