It’s been a while now since my last miscarriage and I feel like I’ve finally returned to my baseline senses; back to myself again. These days I feel less driven by my emotions and more led by hope and motivation. A few months ago I wrote about the end of the journey towards becoming a parent. Since then I’ve met with many friends, family members and loved ones and most of them, in their own well meaning way have told me ‘not to give up’. They’ve told me to keep going and to keep pursuing the dream. But the truth is, the dream was never truly mine to begin with and despite their love for me, they have failed to hear me when I have said ‘I’m done’.
What has tended to occur in many of these moments is what feels like a projection of desires for parenthood and fertility struggles from the person I’ve been conversing with. This isn’t a bad thing at all, I know these people genuinely care for me and want me to experience what they have. But in spite of me continuing to say ‘it is not for me’, my voice seems to go unheard. What I want to reiterate is, this isn’t a defence mechanism. This is genuinely me expressing how I feel, what I want in my life and hoping that people will respect that and not try to convince me otherwise. The truth is that life does not and should not look the same for everyone. We all have different wants and needs in life and our aspirations and hopes for the future differ as a result of these.
For the most part of my life I never wanted children. I have never been the person that longs for motherhood or connects with a child instantly. I have always wanted and coveted my freedom. When others have dreamt of a white picket fence and many offspring, I have longed for wanderlust and travel. If you were to ask me what I seek most in life, my answer would instantaneously be: adventure. However, circumstances shift over the course of one’s life and for a while there I wondered if I wanted what others had. Looking back I understand that this was never destined for me but I take solace in the fact that I tried. I gave it a chance which will mean that I never have to look back and regret not trying at all.
What’s been hard in all of this however is that despite knowing the path that I want to take in life and being internally certain that I do not want to keep trying, the societal pressure to conform can taint even the surest of thoughtstreams. Our social conditioning pushes us to believe that in order to be a functioning member of society that we should all aspire to certain things; offspring are one of these. What this does is subconsciously gnaw away at me resulting in conflicting feelings every time I see a pregnancy announcement. I’ve had to admit that this hurts, but it hurts because of the losses I have had to endure and the inevitable comparisons that arise, as opposed to the life that I ultimately want for myself.
The truth is I’m learning to close some doors in the hope of opening others down the line. The roads ahead of me look different now but lead to places no less meaningful or fulfilling. I am grateful for my loved ones and those who have reached out in the past few months. Knowing how loved I am is a blessing and something I will always treasure. But the one message I will convey is, please listen to me when I say I am done with putting my body and my mental health on the line for something that I am not convinced I really wanted in the first place. Please understand that I am not giving up; instead I am choosing to honour myself and the potential of the person I will become in the future. I am investing in the opportunities that life has presented me and I vow not to squander them. I truly believe that I’ve been given a chance to live according to my own terms. To live a life that looks different but will be equally as rich as others. Please believe me when I tell you that this is what is right for me.
I blog for Change. 