I’ve come to realise how important setting healthy boundaries are for one’s emotional well being. As an only child of South Asian immigrants I was raised to believe that the collective wellbeing, the familial wellbeing was my ultimate responsibility. That protecting the family’s image and everyone around me was inherently part of my duty. As I got older and tried to establish my own identity and set healthy boundaries in which I could protect myself and inch out into the world on my own terms, I received a certain amount of backlash and somewhat disdain.
It made me question myself and my quest for quiet and peace; and it made me feel guilty for wanting these things. Am I ultimately selfish for attempting to put myself first at times? Or is self preservation the only way I can move forward out of dysfunction and precedent of emotional dysregulation? It has made me question whether or not I am actually a ‘good person’. What are the metrics of this so-called ‘goodness’ anyway and should I live a life of mental exhaustion just for the image of what this represents? Over time I’ve realised that I struggle to accept compliments or view myself favourably because my default setting is to remember the taunts first. It’s to hear the whisperings within my psyche that continue to say what you’re offering is never enough or how dare you put yourself first.
All of this has made it nearly impossible to communicate my needs. In most of my past relationships, whether it be with friends or romantic partners, I found myself being a doormat or a magnet for toxicity. Which is incredibly problematic given that I am one of those people that feels everyone’s emotions as soon as I enter a room. I notice the smallest of shifts in people’s posture, changes in their behavioural patterns or their physical movements. It has meant that I tend to become a sponge towards everyone else’s feelings which becomes completely exhausting. I’ve unwittingly continued to uphold that collective function without establishing what I need from those interactions and it’s left me feeling empty and rudderless at times.
Within all of this I consider the concept of emotional safety which was a term completely alien to me until a short time ago. It speaks to the need to establish emotionally safe relationships which are vital to ensuring that they promote everyone’s wellbeing and ultimately that these relationships have the best chance of surviving. At its core the concept focuses on all interactions, no matter with friends, family or foes centering around trust, safety and respect.
As the years have gone by it continued to slowly dawn on me that if I didn’t treat myself better, practice self care and establish healthy boundaries I would have nothing left of myself to offer this world. Sometimes there is a dire need to practice emotional displacement because being emotionally available to every single person that enters our orbit will only leave us a shell of our former selves. This is true even within familial circles and although it is incredibly hard to establish strong boundaries after decades of implementing none, it’s important to do so.
This year I am committed to respecting myself more. I am committed to listening to my needs, communicating these outwardly, honouring them and ultimately protecting my peace.
I blog for Change. 