This is quite a difficult piece for me to write because as I much as I tell those around me that they are inherently worthy, that they are loved and that their self-worth goes beyond their appearance; I somehow cannot seem to apply this to my own existence in the same way. I find myself immediately telling the beautiful, intelligent women around me that it doesn’t matter whether or not they ‘conform’ to idealised but misguided standards of beauty around thinness. I tell them that their contribution to this world and their inherent value as human beings goes beyond how they look; but all the while consistently keeping myself up at night wondering if that cookie I ate at lunch will result in a miniscule weight gain and thus challenge my ‘attractiveness’ and how others perceive me.
As a woman I have been pre-conditioned to believe that my worth lies within the confines of my body. Of how it looks, of whether or not I’m a size 4-6; and if I’m not… oh man it’s time for a serious shred. That somehow my ‘skinniness’ is the ultimate thing to hold on to and if I veer off into another direction, that I should automatically hate myself, question my ‘control’ and lack of ‘will power’ and deem that I am unworthy of someone else’s love/affection or anyone’s respect for that matter.
The truth is I have been killing myself for the last year to hold on to this purported sense of ‘self-worth’. I have made myself miserable by first trying to pursue it and then hold onto it for dear life. I have benchmarked my talent, my offerings to this world and my worthiness of being appreciated, respected and loved on a number on a scale. I have brought myself to breaking point by attempting to control so many things, my hunger, my inability to look a certain way, to be one of those women who just exist so effortlessly and project a certain ‘I’m in control’ attitude which is mirrored through lean, trim bodies.
But I’m tired… I am tired of being told how great I look, all the while knowing that I have spent days starving myself. Not being able to sleep at night because the stomach pain is excruciating. I’m tired of the unrelenting guilt when I ‘indulge’, when I go beyond the point of being ‘ladylike’ because I shoved too many of those chocolate tarts in my mouth at once. I am sick of the looks I get when I order that 2nd round of cheese AND those 3-4 wines… because I should remember that the female body is a thing that belongs to everyone. Don’t I realise that?! That it is the epitome of judgment in which a free for all is the constant state of being in terms of unwarranted and unsolicited feedback.
My body and my mind are weary from the cycles of bingeing and purging that come from guilt and then desperately attempting to wrestle the reigns of control back. I’m tired of being miserable all the time because that number on the scale is never good enough. It’s never low enough and it never will be, not because I am not ‘skinny’ in the eyes of others. But because I am not worthy in my own.
It’s incredible how much you realise you have to rewire your brain once you start to see the signs of how much you fallen down the rabbit hole. My first thought each and very morning is to hurry up and weight myself; so much so that in the hours just before I wake, I dream of this act. It’s been an deliberate but difficult set of actions to not step on those scales in the morning, to not plan out the day according to starvation techniques, to not pop those ‘appetite suppression’ pills. It is beyond difficult, as I find the processes in my brain automatically going to those places; to how I can cut back on calorie intake, to staring at my thighs in the mirror and chastising myself for eating that biscuit last night. Regret, upon regret leading to guilt and self hate… that has been cycle of my psyche for the last year.
When did I get to the point where I thought of myself only through my appearance? Why have I continued to chase a never ending pursuit that has been misplaced in its convictions to begin with? I have never cared about other people’s opinions; not in how I choose to live my life or the decisions I make within it. So why have I been killing myself to attain to a level of external validation that is making me miserable; beyond this, it’s making me sick.
The answer to this lies within my mind, my heart and my soul; and not as I had initially believed, within my body. I have to learn to myself from within. I have to learn to accept myself, my spirit, my entity and my being as a whole. I need to understand that I am worthy, at any size, whatever my appearance. In my head I know that the reasons that people love me, respect me and value my opinion and my presence in their lives goes beyond my appearance. I need to learn to look at myself the way that those who love me do.
As I much as believe these words as I type them, I know that living them out will continue to be a challenge for as long as I live. But what is important is reinforcing the messaging behind them. That I am worthy. That I am enough. I need to admit that I was killing myself before attempting to obtain the unattainable. As we all do each and every time we compare ourselves to others. This is me, my journey and for now teaching myself to simply love myself is the most imperative action of all.
Sx
I blog for Change. 