So I’m engaged… I mean who would of thought it?! I can’t even count the number of times in the past that I’ve gone on rants about how I will never get married and that the institution itself is one which is outdated and irrelevant. It’s slightly tongue in cheek then to now be wearing this ring and planning for the exact thing that I had once so whole heartedly scoffed at. Reflecting on it all I suppose the only thing I can indicate to is that people change, that other people may contribute to this change during their lifetimes and that all of this is perfectly acceptable and represents an evolution of person and character.
I’m still certain though that I will do all of this my way. A lot of the reasons why I recoiled at the thought of being married are the negative connotations behind the notion which traditionally have been so endemically gendered. The idea that when a woman gets married she drops her own surname, one in which she has had since her birth, one which signifies her family and her ancestors, her identity, to take on the surname of her husband is deeply concerning for me. It’s almost as if she didn’t exist before she married or that her lifetime up to that point was inconsequential. I struggle to see why it is only the woman that is expected to make this sacrifice, or perhaps we’ve been societally trained to believe this is the only way. Understandably, I do not choose this condition of matrimony. While I acknowledge that the question of a name change is deeply personal and should be determined by choice, keeping my own surname is a non negotiable for me. I was Sabene Gomes before I met my fiancé, and I will remain Sabene Gomes after.
It’s no surprise then that I’ve found navigating the process of engagement and a wedding quite difficult mainly because the process of getting married seems to be so streamlined. I attempted to order a wedding planner online the other day and found a design that was beautiful and that I loved. But when it got to filling in the details for the personalised front page it wouldn’t let me choose anything except ‘Mr and Mrs X’… I remember thinking, do I just put down ‘Gomes’ so it would be ‘Mr and Mrs Gomes’? But that wasn’t true either, so I abandoned the pursuit entirely. However not before writing an email identifying exclusive practices in which brides that chose to keep their surnames could not own these stunning little planners!
I’ve also always had issues with the concept of wearing white on my wedding day, the symbolism of purity that a woman is expected to propel is problematic beyond belief. So finding a suitable wedding dress has been an interesting challenge. This is probably heightened also because I struggle to find formal wear, in the form of dresses, that I like in general. Finding alternative inspiration for what I could wear has been increasingly difficult due to nature of conformity that the bridal/wedding industry has in general so I’ve been coming up a little blank and not really feeling that shared inclusive bride feel.
The conversation with my parents about not wanting a wedding cake and instead having a cheese wheel could also have gone down better. I recall their looks of utter contempt and dismay when I first voiced this selection. No doubt in their heads the only thing ringing true would have been ‘what is wrong with this child?!’. It made me ponder over whether I was missing the point in all of this?!
All I really know is that for the first time in my lifetime I met someone who I wanted to marry. Whose love made me consider all of the options. I met someone that changed my outlook on life and made me want something that I never did before. All I know is that I love him and want to spend my life with him by my side and vice versa. While I may not be the traditional bride, I want to be married to him and I’ll find a way to do it all in a way that doesn’t compromise my beliefs or impede my identity. And while planning all of this, I’ll call out the exclusionary tactics involved forcing women into conformity and taking their choices away concerning the details.
Sx
I blog for Change. 
Congrats Sabene!!
Thanks Cat!