I’ve realised that I’ve done a lot of learning in the past year or so. This has occurred mainly because I have been faced with many new challenges which have pushed me to reflect on the higher level meaning of it all. The one thing that I have always been afraid of, which I have been fraught with fear over seemingly came true at the start of the year. The thing with having to face such a substantial and debilitating fear like that is that you have no choice but to go on. You have to stand firm, accept your situation and look that terror in the eye. There is no out in that sense, no one you can run and hide behind or cower in the corner. See life has a certain way of forcing you out of your comfort zone. For me over the last 5 months that has meant stepping out of my parents shadow and walking towards a new future on my own.
I feel like this entire process has been a bit of a grieving ordeal in which I have stepped through so many different stages involved with moving on. I had the denial phase in which I just refused to believe that I was about to be ushered into a new phase of my life, one where I had to stand on my two feet without being propped up by the two people who have always walked beside me. I then had the sheer terror phase where I felt crippled by dread wondering how I could possibly go on. After that came the wave of sadness in which all I could do was focus on an empty house and a life full of silence without physical interaction with loved ones.
What surprised me however was the period that came after that; one of acceptance. Here I am trying to navigate my way through this complicated world. I’m essentially doing it on my own. I make mistakes, I misstep, most times each and every day. But even when I strike out or feel that crushing blow of rejection I stand up and try again. Yes most times I feel like when I fall I have no one to cushion my blow; but surely that just means that I endure that plummet and draw on my own inner strength to rise once again.
I’ve come to understand that these elements represent the one constant in life; that being bumps in the road. Whether or not we feel as if we are in a good position in our lives or proverbially ‘have our shit together’, something always comes along and shifts us off the direction of our seemingly intended course. Whether you stand alone in life or are surrounded by people these blips on the radar of our existence are inevitable. For me after the period of acceptance of where my life was at right now I naively thought that this would translate across to my coping mechanisms in regards to everything in general. But even writing that as I am now I can see that not all trauma can be erased by wielding the same generic brush strokes across everything. And perhaps it’s not supposed to be.
The inevitable truth for me is that I still struggle in dealing with the things that push me off balance. Whether that be a job rejection, the end of a romantic possibility or simply the end of a chapter, even it is a terrible one. Whenever one of these instances comes along I not only tend to wobble but seemingly crumble into a thousand pieces. For whatever reason it consumes me temporarily and I need to go through a process where I grieve for that loss. When I was younger I used to abhor myself for this reason. I used to chastise myself for being too emotional at the most inopportune of times. But now whilst I understand that I do get a little lost within these periods, I also acknowledge that at least I deal with them; I sit with these feelings as opposed to just repressing them entirely.
I’ve often wondered if this makes me less ‘resilient’ or ‘stronger’ than everyone else. I mean I feel things, I allow myself to feel things oh so deeply. I show the world the cracks in my armour and I visibly struggle. But surely resilience isn’t about the lack of these things. It has to be about the sheer element of having picked yourself up off the floor after having collapsed there so painfully mere hours before. It must be about watching that puddle of your tears dissolve and wiping that final drop away as it cascades down your face. It has got to be about acknowledging your sadness, your frustration but about moving forward regardless and not giving into defeat.
I’ve lived out every single one of these actions throughout my life and especially recently. I am resilient, I am brave, I know these things. But not because I wear a poker face or hide behind a façade. It’s because I am courageous enough to show emotion and love in a world that associates these elements with weakness. I am not fearless, but I am honest and I try again every new day.
Sx
I blog for Change. 