I’ve been forced to ponder on this question for some time now. What happens when that initial passion dissipates? It has become more and more apparent that I am a little more than a bit stuck in my career at present. I’ve also started to see these underlying frustrations seep over into my personal life as I generally feel in a constant state of tiredness and lethargy. Waking up in the morning to head into work every day has become much harder than it used to. I’ve been thinking that I need to find that spark again, to ignite the fire that has always been within me in terms of fighting injustice but I honestly just feel a little unmotivated right now.
You can imagine the guilt that is associated with this given what it is that I do for a living. Being a humanitarian usually means that your heart has brought you to this particular space and your work is more than just a way to pay the bills, it’s a calling. For me personally I have worked at grassroots level for over 10 years now. I’ve experienced things that have challenged me and that have reaffirmed my faith in humanity. But I have also encountered things that have shaken me to my core and made me understand the depths of depravity that we are capable of as human beings.
I often speak of the psychological trauma that I have picked up over the years during my travels. In many ways as devastating as this has been on my psyche, it’s also been the factor that has kept me fighting for all these years. In the past I never doubted the method that international aid and development has wielded when tackling poverty eradication. But lately the never ending paternalism and victim mentality toted to elicit funding has made me question everything.
I suppose it also doesn’t help that I seem to be in an environment which although being classified as ‘not for profit’ operates much like the private sector. Are we actually the ethical organisations that we pose to be? Or are our outward values just a hollow façade to convince others? It appears to me in my current situation that no longer are employees valued; it’s been made clear that all of us are dispensable and therefore easily replaceable. We are no longer able to be nurtured or appreciated for our hard work. There are no incentives to keep us motivated, nor any room for innovation beyond a traditional mould. So the question then becomes, what happens when you lose faith in your employer and the industry you have been working in for your entire career?
It’s obvious that I am a crossroads right now. I seem to see things differently and much more clearly than before, in which so many factors are making me feel uncomfortable about where I am right now. I am more than grateful for the experiences I have had along the way across so many places, from Sri Lanka where I got my start to Ecuador, to the Pacific, to India where I seem to have left my heart behind. And back across Asia and also East Africa. The conversations and interactions that I have had will be at the heart of my activism and story telling for the rest of my life. But it’s time for a change now, it’s time to reprioritise and challenge myself to do something different. To step outside of my comfort zone and delve into the unknown.
In saying all of these things, one question has been constantly nagging at me; am I capable of this move? Do I have the ability and skills to do something else? Or is this all that I am good at and therefore will always be? This kind of self doubt while seemingly irrational is the driving force of keeping people stagnant in all areas of life. Sometimes the creeping thought related to comfort invokes a fear that whispers ‘you’re better off where you are’ and ‘better the devil you know’. But each time this rhetoric plays a loop within my psyche I remind myself that I am not destined to live a mediocre life and that I am capable of so much more. I try and affirm to myself that life is about taking risks and pushing yourself in spite of the potential for negative consequences.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me when it comes to my career, but I promise to approach it all with an open heart and an open mind. I promise to be brave and take risks to not drown in the comfort zone which I seem to be stuck in right now. There are more ways than one to approach reducing inequality while holding my ethical standards high. It’s not all as black and white as I once thought and for that reason I don’t need to chastise myself if I do move out of the NGO space. I am capable of so many things and I need to be open to them beyond the one dimensional sphere I have comfortably lived in all these years.
I understand that this decision is going to put me at the front line of potential rejection and endless knock backs. But success means nothing if you don’t have to toil for it first. Reward will never to come to someone who doesn’t take chances. Yes, this will mean discomfort for a while and perhaps I will continue to stay stuck for some time. But at least I will know, as I lay head down on the pillow each night that I tried that day, that I am trying, and that I will continue to try wholeheartedly tomorrow.
Sx
I blog for Change. 