As I’ve encountered life throughout the years I’ve begun to understand the many facets of myself and my personality. I’m a giver, that’s who I am and on top of this I’m an emotional sponge. People tend to naturally gravitate towards me in order to subconsciously dump all their metaphorical ails on to me. When I was younger I wasn’t fully aware of this trait and would wonder why I felt a completely foreign sentiment after I had spent time with someone in any type of distress. The first lesson for me within this was understanding that these feelings were not my own and the second lesson was understanding that I didn’t have to give away parts of myself in order to make others feel better. Being a shoulder to cry on or a doormat or simply a vessel for people to dump on was in fact a choice; I just couldn’t fathom at that point how to choose not to be that person.
After seeking much spiritual advice and talking at length to psychologists I started to understand that the most important thing I could do for myself and my own future well being was to establish healthy boundaries. It’s pretty easy to know in theory that setting these boundaries is important for people who have toxic effects on your psyche. We all know that one person that treats us as an emotional dumping ground without thinking twice, or that friend’s relationship in which there is a serious power imbalance and hence we’re a little too invested in getting them out of it. There might also be that asshole at work who consistently belittles you in public. It’s natural to understand in this situations that a clear line in the sand needs to be set. But nothing quite prepares you to establish those boundaries with a close family member who for one reason or another is detrimental to your well being and growth as a human being.
While I am very well aware of how not establishing a clear boundary in order to protect myself is severely detrimental, how do you voice this to that one person who is family without sounding callous, cold and uncaring? This is something I have grappled with for a lifetime. Growing up in a South Asian household there has always been a connotation that it’s the collective over the individual, hence when I’ve voiced the need to establish a clear boundary of where my generosity, time and shoulder to cry on must end in order to preserve my own sanity, it hasn’t gone very well. I’ve been accused of being rude and selfish and not grateful to those who have had a hand in my upbringing. It’s left me wondering if it’s too much to tell someone when they are overstepping, if this therefore means that there is something wrong with me and that I must simply accept this person’s consistent micro-aggressions without a word edge wise.
The truth is that a toxic person is just that, they may be a complete stranger but they may also be a member of your family; and simply because of this title it doesn’t mean that they are exempt and can treat you in a way that you are uncomfortable with. It’s perfectly acceptable and actually recommended to voice out your needs and tell those around you what you need from them and vice versa; and even more importantly what you will and won’t accept in terms of their behaviour. Setting a boundary is an important action to ensure that you protect your own mental well being first. Any reasonable person who loves and respects you will be able to understand this action, and if they don’t perhaps they should rethink their role in your life.
I struggle every day with guilt about establishing these marking poles, not because it’s a sentiment I feel naturally, but because I have had a societal precondition to believe that taking care of myself first is unacceptable. I understand now that everyone has a choice in life. I can either take on everyone else’s toxicity, negative thoughts, trauma and sadness in an endless funnel. Or I can try and best support people without giving all of myself to them. This involves placing a set boundary in place in which I must stop when I can’t take anymore. While this may be uncomfortable to voice to people, and especially family members, it needs to be done in order for me to protect myself and allow that innate empath within me to continue existing, instead of being depleting consistently by just one person.
Sx
I blog for Change. 