As many of you know, and as I have frequently documented on this platform, I am a survivor of an eating disorder; a survivor of bulimia. I’ve been in recovery for a while now and I’m proud of my progress and how far I’ve come. I’ve also been honest about still feeling those trigger points which occur each and every day after every meal. See that’s the menace of eating disorders, you can’t escape the thing that triggers you the most. As time has gone on I’ve learnt how to overcome these trigger points, it hasn’t been easy but I’ve had to train my mind not to go down that path in times of doubt and to instead always reaffirm my self worth.
What most people know is that eating disorders are fueled by body image issues. But it’s goes deeper than that and more often that not comes down to questions of self love and self acceptance. When I was at the height of my illness I had never felt more doubtful or critical of my appearance. I was trying so hard to make my body fit into an image of what, in my delusion, I saw as perfection. But that perfection never came because nothing was ever good enough, I could never go too far or be skinny enough. The word itself ‘enough’, represents what I was battling against the entire time. Was I enough in the shape that I was? At that time, my answer would have been no.
It took me a long time to realise that I was enough and that no matter how much I tried to force my body to look a certain way, it just flatly refused. Because I was always the way that I was supposed to be, I just didn’t really understand it yet. Because my body was and is different to everyone else’s. That I am unique as I am, and I am enough. I understand all of these things now. But lately I’ve felt a different trigger, one still associated with body image issues but more focused around the expectations of a bride, and what this figure should look like on her wedding day.
When I first got engaged I downloaded all these wedding checklists which go through all the things you need to know about and have planned before your big day. It takes you through everything from 12 months before your wedding up until the weeks after. The main thread that seemed to carry out across each month was one referring to making sure you are in shape and looking your best. The checklist takes it one step further and lists out renewing gym plans, practicing ‘healthy eating’ and perhaps even considering hiring a personal trainer. I’ve also seen endless amount of crash diet tips, of fasting and whatever else to ensure that you ‘look your best’ on your big day. I hadn’t realised the extent of the pressure to conform, with relation to women’s bodies, more than when I started looking into advice for brides prior to their weddings.
It made me wonder if the spectacle itself is simply about projecting an unhealthy expectation of all of us. For even someone like me who has been in recovery for a long time and who is quite secure with their own body image, doubt started to set in again about is it enough, I am enough? Is my body, in its current shape acceptable enough to be portrayed in a wedding dress on my wedding day? It has made me consider attempting to manipulate my body again; for the dress, for the photos, for the splendour of saying look at how wonderful and slim I looked on my wedding day. For the compliments that of course would come my way, without those people knowing how much I starved myself, abused my body and my mental well being in order to keep up that appearance.
The wedding industry has let me and all of us down in a lot of ways when thinking about how it portrays the expectations it places on us as acceptable brides. I shouldn’t have to even consider trying to drop down a size so that I can conform to beauty standards splashed across every bridal magazine, website and subscription out there. I should be able to turn up on the day, as me in all my body positivity glory and still be praised with the same amount of sentiments of beauty as everyone else.
Sx
I blog for Change. 