So this whole impending marriage and being someone’s wife bit has got me reflecting on the traditional expectations of what it all means. I’ve joked quite a lot in my life about being a pretty poor housewife, ie: I can’t and don’t cook, I clean superficially and I don’t have much patience for household chores. When I was younger I felt the need to clarify all of these things and add the disclaimer that it wasn’t that I can’t cook, it’s just that I never really needed to. It was almost as if even though I knew I didn’t care much for this skill, it was expected of me, even with myself, at a deeper level. As I’ve gotten older I’ve cared less about this vernacular and how it reflects on my womanhood but I find it curious how the expectation still pervades within society and that the only point of distinction is tied to one’s gender.
I often hear people saying that they cook to relieve stress, that it helps them to wind down and feel less stressed out. For me, it’s the opposite. I find myself anxious, and it does nothing for me except adding to disdain. There’s no love in it for me. Traditionally however, I would be expected to take on the lion’s share of household tasks and responsibilities. The myth that’s been in place for eons is that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and there’s no two questions about that. Of course back in the day the reason this was in place was due to structured discrimination which meant a lack of opportunity to education and therefore job options outside the house for women. Nowadays we have a choice and I choose to not take on the cooking responsibilities in my household; one, because I can and two, because I don’t want to cook.
The concept of equal distribution of household chores is one which seems to still be stuck in medieval times. Add into the mix caring for children and you’ll find that women disproportionately shoulder this burden unequally to their partners. The question remains as to why this is still acceptable in our modern day times.
I read an article recently in which it’s author firmly proclaimed that “I am not, and will never be a domestic goddess”. It spoke of being certain about this point but yet feeling the need to continually justify this lack of ‘skills’ in the domestic domain to friends and family. It’s an odd expectation if you think about it. When flipping this to ask the question of whether or not we expect men to be good at cooking and solely take on this responsibility within their households just based on their gender, it seems even more absurd.
Now I know that some may argue that this is based on what’s happened in the past and perhaps quiff that ‘it’s always been this way’. My response would be to suggest that history is not completely responsible for this, for evolution means that roles change over time. What is more pertinent within this expectation is a set of rigid gender stereotypes that dictate our roles and behaviours, and that this has not budged even as time has gone on.
In my household, I do none of the cooking; literally none. I think in the last 6 months, I would’ve cooked twice. This is just what works for us, which is helped by the fact that my fiancé is a chef. But it goes beyond that. For him, cooking represents a way to express love. It reminds him of family, of his grandmother who taught him how to cook. It brings memories of family gatherings. It serves as a way to express his creativity and I am deeply grateful for this. Because for me, cooking represents burnt toast, wasted time and epic amounts of a lack of patience. In our household, chores and responsibilities are not determined or assigned based on gender/sex. They are based on skills and likes and for me, I long ago let go of the belief that not being proficient in the kitchen was a representation of a failure of my womanhood.
I am well aware that in the future our children will not be coming to me for insights on recipes. I will not be the one that bonds with them over food or the preparation of it. What I will be doing is teaching them about feminism, about equality, about the pursuit of justice. I will remind them that a woman’s place in this world is anywhere that she can imagine and I will point to their parent’s relationship as an indication that distribution of household responsibilities don’t have to, and shouldn’t be based on harmful gender stereotypes.
Sx
Check out the article I referred to earlier in this piece on Huffington Post:
https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/camha-pham/i-will-never-be-a-domestic-goddess_a_21898717/
I blog for Change. 