I haven’t been writing much of late and because of this you haven’t heard a lot from me lately. It’s not that I haven’t felt the urge to write or not been inspired to do such; it just feels like life has somehow gotten in the way. When I look back at the last two years of my life it feels like so much has changed. I honestly do feel like a different person which is both freeing as it is terrifying at the same time. I’ve written before that this year, 2021, is the year that I am going getting to married; me, the commitment phobe who shied away from all things related to any kind of commitment for so long. This year I am also selling my apartment in order to take the next step forward with my partner, towards purchasing a family home. Up until now I haven’t thought twice about it and I know it’s the right move to make but after a conversation with a dear friend over the weekend, I felt it important to voice and reflect on it all.
For so many years I have chosen to live life on my own. I built my own security off my own back, based on my own hard work. It was a struggle at times financially after I bought an apartment and took on a mortgage by myself, but it felt freeing to know that I was responsible for my own independence and that I didn’t need someone else to live out this dream for me. Meeting my partner changed everything, not because he swooped in and rescued me or because I was waiting for him to arrive; but because his presence made me realise that we could complement each other in a partnership together for the rest of our lives. I was stable and steady on my own when I met him and I could have chosen to continue on that path. In some way it would have been the easier and more within my comfort zone option. But in choosing to be with him I knew that the course I would travel in life would immediately change; and it has, for the better in so many ways.
In saying all of this though, there will always be a semblance of a thought in the back of my mind that forms which triggers a sense of fear in me, that I am giving up my security in order to move forward with him. A friend asked me recently how I was feeling about it all in terms of marriage, shared property and all the things involved with a life long commitment. I expressed that I didn’t know if I was feeling no fear or anxiety at all, or if I had just repressed it so deeply that I was deluding myself entirely. The response that she provided to me was one of such breathtaking clarity that it put me at ease immediately. She explained that perhaps that feeling of being scared was still there but that the motivation to move forward in life was much stronger and that because of this, it didn’t feel so debilitating anymore.
I felt at the time, and still do today, that this statement is probably one of the most pure and truthful things I have ever heard. The sentiment also just felt right and it explained my sense of calm within the whole process. At no point have I ever felt that this move forward was anything but the right one. But I did question my own lack of anxiety about it. The shift makes me no less independent or brave, it takes away nothing from my previous achievements. It simply means that I am at a different stage of my life where I am ready to move forward with the person I love. It affirms to me that the person standing by side is my equal and that together we will build something reciprocal that is truly worth having. Overall, I feel proud that I have been able to overcome my past fears and take that leap with a content heart, which is full of love.
I blog for Change. 