I feel tired today. Not the physically exhausted type of tired, but the emotionally drained type. I have always been a very sensitive person who picks up on the slightest change in people’s emotions or a shift in the energy of a room I’m in. I am led by empathy and a sense of offering kindness to others, in order to facilitate a safe space towards acceptance and love within all that I encounter. I pride myself on being a person of my word. Being truthful and honest is at the heart of who I am and my integrity is indicative of all of the things I believe and hold most dear in this world.
Given all of this it’s easily understandable then when someone questions me on my integrity and perpetuates lies and untruths about me, it stings really deeply. Not just because it is untrue, but because no matter what I do or say, that person will always choose to judge me a certain way with or without the facts. I’ve been knocked off my balance by all of this of late and as a result, today, I really feel unlike myself. Today I feel sad, I feel drained and most of all I feel a sense of injustice that I will never be able to rectify.
Within all of this though, I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot control what someone else thinks of me when they can’t be bothered to understand what the truth is. I can’t control someone’s biases towards me when they don’t know who I am. I can’t make them listen to my voice, pleading with them to see that I am not guilty of the things they are accusing me of; that I would never intentionally cause a rift or willingly hurt anyone. All I can do is continue to hold my head up high and continue to be truthful to myself and the ones I love. Regardless of what else is being said about me, without context or any understanding of what the truth actually is.
Last night through the midst of all of this, I remember thinking that I wish I was the person that didn’t care; that didn’t feel all of these things. I wished I wasn’t the person that cried alone at night and that was so hurt and affected by it all that I questioned myself and my actions; even though I wasn’t in the wrong. In the cold, harsh light of a new day however I am reminded of all of the strengths involved with being all of these things. I see my kindness, my empathy and my vulnerability as things which allow me to relate to others. I understand that my openness, honesty and willingness to put myself out there with all of my feelings and emotions allows me to see the world through more forgiving eyes. I understand that we are all flawed, imperfect beings who make mistakes, who trip up and do questionable things every now and then.
What this has meant for me is that I don’t judge. That my empathy allows me to put myself in others shoes. I offer all of myself to anyone who crosses my path and treat them with innate respect and dignity regardless of who they are or what I may or may not have heard about them. I am led by my humanity and always will be. I am proud of who I am, flaws, emotions, sensitivities and all. I’m proud that my first instinct is to give people an unequivocal chance.
I realise now that I can’t control how other people go about this, how they feel about me or whether or not they choose to give me a chance. I know what my truth is, the ones I love and that love me know what that truth is and that’s all that matters to me. I will continue to be the person that I am, I will continue to be empathetic and forgiving. I will continue to be open and wear my heart on my sleeve irrespective of lies that people who know nothing about me continue to perpetuate. That is my choice and I choose it with an honest and open heart.
I blog for Change. 