To the inevitable trip ups.

So much has changed in the last few years that it almost feels like a dizzying dream. The pandemic has forced us out of our comfort zones in many ways and made us view the way we live our lives differently. It’s forced us to reprioritise what is most important and to hold our loved ones closer than ever before. For me personally the effects of living in the COVID-19 era have meant a complete overhaul of what I thought my life would look like. Before the pandemic, my partner and I had grandiose visions of travelling and living abroad. Since the onset of the pandemic however, we’ve gotten married and are now looking towards buying a house and thinking about kids. So much seems to have shifted and changed in a short amount of time. Living within this anxiety ridden space has meant that old foes have also begun to reemerge. Battles I thought that I had long ago won have resurfaced and I find myself once again having to look within and reassess who I am as a human being.

Before a few months ago, I would have shared with you that I used to be bulimic. I would tell you of how much that disease affected who I was as a person and how hard I had to fight to be in recovery. I would have told you that recovery is hard and that trip ups happen. Today, I will tell you that this observation is rooted in such honest truth that it applies now more than ever. Today, if I were to stand up, raise my voice and be truthful, I would say that in actuality, I am bulimic and that recovery is a battle that I will have to fight each and every single day of my life. I would tell you that nothing is a given and that you can’t make assumptions about recovery or wellness in general.

In attempting to explain what an eating disorder feels like, the best I could do is compare it to addiction; and it is a form of addiction in itself. For me personally, my triggers reemerge when I am feeling particularly anxious. That anxiety is what seems to be the catalyst for old habits to come back to the surface. I’ve had an extremely stressful time of it planning a wedding during a global pandemic, attempting to manage everyone’s expectations and feeling a supreme amount of guilt in not being able to give my parents what they want and deserve in terms of my nuptials, and in terms of the child they had perceived in the first place. For a long time I’ve been trying to be the best for everyone. Trying desperately to be a good daughter, a good wife, a good family member and a good friend. I’ve been focusing so hard on pleasing everyone around me and trying to be who they would want me to be that I seem to have lost myself in the process. All of this has meant that the battle I fight every day to be in recovery from bulimia have slipped and faltered. I’ve gone back to questioning every morsel of food I put in my mouth, to exercising religiously to burn off those problematic calories and to weighing myself every single day; sometimes twice a day.

I remember when I was in the depths of my last fight against this eating disorder I felt so low and unworthy that I didn’t care what happened to me. My sense of self was so perverted that I all I saw was a number on the scales and that was what dictated how I felt about myself. Every comment of praise that I received, every compliment that came my way made me question what it was to be approved by others. What I didn’t realise at the time was that I was attempting to make myself smaller and smaller in order to please societal expectations on what it means to be a woman who is approved of, and who therefore deserves praise. I quickly lost the sense of worth that was attributed to being unique, to being my own complicated person. It was harder to be brave and true to myself than it was to simply become a shadow of that person. To blend in and get drunk on the dangerous and unwarranted compliments was where my focus lay. Looking back it was utterly misguided, but yet easy to spiral down that path.

Now, even though I have tripped up on my road to recovery, I feel very differently. I want to live, I want to thrive and I want to continue building a life with my husband. I want to have kids and live a long and healthy existence. I want to set a good example for my family and for others around me to illustrate that I am vulnerable, I am flawed and I will battle against a disease for every single day of my existence; but that I will wake up each morning and continue to try. I want to make a promise to myself that I will always love and value who I am, in spite of the things that I struggle with. I understand that right now, I need to focus on healing. I need to remind myself that I am doing the best that I can and that I am a good daughter, wife, friend, family member and everything in between. I will continue to remind myself that I am enough and that I can’t be everything that other people expect me to be. I will remember that all I can do is be true to myself; and for now, that’s enough.

I also promise to be an advocate. I promise to be openly vulnerable and truthful within my struggles. Not because I want people’s sympathy, but because I hope that my honesty helps another person to see that they are not alone; and that it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. I want to be an example to normalise the concept of having poor mental health and seeking to do something about it. I want to normalise seeing psychologists, joining support groups and honestly admitting to loved ones that struggling is a part of human existence. I want to advocate that sharing these things with each other is important and that we shouldn’t feel ashamed by admitting that we need help.

For anyone out there that is reading this and struggling with an eating disorder, these resources have, and are helping me immensely:

• Butterfly Foundation: https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/helpline/
• SANE Australia: https://www.sane.org/counselling-support/sane-support-services
• Reach Out: https://au.reachout.com/mental-health-issues/eating-disorders
• Eating Disorders Victoria: https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/