To the gypsy within.

As I look at my life these days I find myself in a very different place to where I was just a few years ago. I find myself reminded of this change every time someone looks at the tattoo on my arm and asks me what the beautiful gypsy that stares out ahead signifies. When I was younger I would quite confidently say that she signifies my free spirit and ever roaming soul. I’d say that she is a symbol of the nomadic nature of my life and how I don’t necessarily follow the rules in how I choose to live out my existence. Nowadays when people ask me about the significance of the gypsy however I seem to reply, extremely uncomfortably, that she signifies someone who I once was, or someone who I used to be. It’s made me reflect on the question of does my rebellious spirit still remain even if I am seemingly following the path that is expected of me?

I hadn’t realised the depth of this questioning until I was ready to fully acknowledge that I was feeling some kind of way about it. I found myself wondering, who am I if I’m not that free spirited gypsy that plays by her own rules, that is guided by wanderlust and that follows her heart to wherever it may take her. Now that I am somewhat grounded, that I don’t travel for work, that I operate in a 9-5 job context, in compliance of all things, does that mean I’ve given into what is expected of me and I’ve lost the right to call myself a gypsy at heart? Honestly I’m not sure what the answer is.

In spite of this, or maybe because of it, I’ve understood that the changes in my life have meant that my focus has been elsewhere for a while now. The COVID-19 pandemic has also meant that trying to settle into a routine is impossible and we find ourselves accepting a new normal more often than not. I know also that life never stays the same, or at least not for prolonged periods of our existence. I understand that perhaps it was just time for me to move into a different chapter in which retaining my sense of self meant reinventing myself. But all the while holding tight to that gypsy spirit in a new and less obvious way.

At my core, I’m still rebellious. I still play by my own rules, just slightly differently than before. I have felt however that I’ve maybe taken my foot off the gas with regards to my creative pursuits and my outwards activism. I understand that time and lived experience usually mellows us in our adulthood but this doesn’t have to mean that it should silence us completely. I finished reading Nikki Gemmell’s ‘Dissolve’ last night (I highly recommend it to people who haven’t read it, especially women). The book speaks of a tendency for women to end up down a path they don’t necessarily want for themselves in order to quell society’s expectations of women to dissolve over time. Gemmell speaks of needing to be aware of the invisibility that can befall a woman as she ages, of the process of becoming a smaller and smaller version of herself over time. All I know is that is not who I want to be and I’ll take this as a reminder to always draw on that gypsy fearless spirit at all times.

I will admit that I am in a process of evolution in terms of who I am growing to become. In my heart I know that I didn’t get married just because it’s what society expected of me. Whilst I’ve ended up on the path that many others have undertaken, I continue to make my own rules. I hold onto my surname. I will pass this surname down to my future children. I am supported my partner whose relationship and love is built on mutuality, respect and reciprocal partnership. I will continue to ask questions, speak up loudly and practice my own brand of intersectional feminism despite what is expected of me in regards to domesticity and passivity.

What people don’t tend to realise is that a gypsy also signifies a strong, independent free-thinking woman. Someone who is ahead of their time. So with that in mind, I will remind myself each and every day that my rebellious nature will always be present within me; it will never be quelled. The gypsy within me will forever be imprinted into my heart. I’ll always be a wanderer, a nomad at heart and I will always push the boundaries in search of the path less travelled.

So the next time someone asks me about my tattoo I’ll respond that she signifies who I am and will forever be; free, independent, strong.