The Inevitabilities of Life.

Well here I am, almost at the end of 2024. It’s been a hellish year and I’m still feeling traumatised and fragile. The year has brought so many pain points and lows that it’s hard to imagine that I’ve been able to survive it all. As I look back on the year I see so many stumbling points, so much grief and sadness. But I also see resilience. I wake up every day and take pride in the fact that I have been able to keep going. I am proud that even though I’ve faltered, I haven’t stayed down for long and in reflecting on this I’ve come to realise that I have emerged from all of my trauma as a different person.

In many ways I feel like so much has been taken away from me this year. My career trajectory is seemingly shot. My ability to believe that I’ll ever be a parent has been drastically altered due to multiple miscarriages; and my sense of security in life has been compromised by various health diagnoses of my closest loved ones. From the beginning of this year, I feel like I’ve been on an endless rollercoaster ride that keeps dropping sharply without ever moving on its upward trajectory again. I’ve felt like I’ve lost the ability to be hopeful because I feel like at any second the other shoe will drop and the next disastrous event will occur. 

For someone who is a consummate optimist this nagging sensation has eaten away at my psyche for the most part of this year. It’s affected who I am and the result of this is that I just haven’t felt like myself. Within all of this however I have come to understand that loss, illness, death is all a part of life. As we age these things become more and more prominent. There is no escaping them so all we can do is accept that these events will be probabilities and continue to move forward nonetheless. But balancing these realities with living a joyful, happy and full life are one of the greatest difficulties of adulthood. 

As I look back on the past 10 months I have come to pride myself on many things that I have been able to implement amidst all this turmoil. I’ve sought psychological help, I’ve managed to be kinder to myself and greatest of all, I’ve managed to get out of bed every day acknowledging that this was a new day regardless of the sadness and trauma of the days past. I know I will have to continue to do the work to find ways to be hopeful again. I understand that I need to balance this with the certainty that other bad things will come down the pipeline. I see now that how I recover from those situations is the only thing I can control and I will continue to invest in my own wellbeing in order to mitigate the risks of losing myself down another slippery slope of depression.

In spite of all this I have learnt many lessons this year. I feel like I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. I’ve noticed that I am calmer in general and if I am presented with a situation that is not ideal, I tend to take it as it comes without falling into a hole of decrying ‘why me’. I now understand that everything in life is impermanent; that even the things that we note are ours, that belong to us can be taken away from us at any moment. I’ve learnt to be grateful for all that I have and to not take anything or any relationship for granted. Similarly I’ve acquired more knowledge about myself. Whilst I claim to have lost all hope, I still value myself and my life and look forward to better days, even though I can’t see them just yet. I’m also not as naive as I used to be as I understand that bad things will happen throughout my existence; this is an inevitable part of life. But I commit to living my life the best I can in spite of these events and holding those I love closely in an attempt to be the best version of myself that I can be. Come what may is the most fitting expression to my current approach to life.