I went to a prominent global gender equality conference this week which is celebrated as being an inclusive space for women to come together and discuss gender, reproductive health and the rights of women and girls. In many ways it was an incredible experience in which women of colour were the majority, something not easily lost on me. However, entrenched within this celebration was a concept which left me feeling othered in a way that mirrored everyday society outside of those conference doors. It felt like at almost every single panel discussion that I attended centering motherhood as the predominant precursor for womanhood was the norm. As if the only element that unites us as women or makes us special is that we are all or will all be mothers one day.
Experiencing this concept again and again at every panel discussion, fireside chat and in between represents the core of the issue in which even at one of the world’s largest feminist/gender equality gatherings, we are still seemingly putting ourselves into boxes. What this all points to is a deep seated idealisation of motherhood which is centred as the definitive expression of womanhood. This somehow asserts that the default setting for femininity, for being a woman in general can only be found within motherhood. The problem with this is the marginalisation of those who choose not to or cannot have children. It also reinforces the entire idea of societal pity or sympathy which is invoked whereby one such woman could surely not live a fulfilled life without said child/children. As well as being deficient in a bond of ‘womanhood’ that should unite us all through our shared experience of bringing a child into this world.
In so many instances I heard women on panels at this event speak to our unique ability which defines us being the process of carrying a child for nine months. Every time this was uttered I remember thinking does that somehow make me less of a woman? It’s needless to say how dangerous this concept is and how much it can other those of us who have chosen not to have children. It is an incredibly narrow and restrictive way to view womanhood. It does not take in or value the concept of individual identity and choice. In fact, to be a woman is a distinct, unique and multifaceted identity which is not limited to, defined by or completed by motherhood. A woman’s worth is not defined by whether or not she is a mother. The absence of this does not diminish her capability to live a full life and thrive whereby she positively contributes to society. She is more than the potential of one aspect of her identity. She is more than the status of her fertility.
Personally there have been so many instances when I’ve been asked about if I have children. When I answer a definitive no with a full stop I immediately feel the energy in the room shift. The obvious discomfort means the person I am speaking to usually then uncomfortably word vomits something about how annoying their children are anyway. It’s almost like that then ruptures a connection within our womanhood where the shared experience is lost and it usually signals the end of that conversation. I often then walk away feeling somehow less than or feeling othered as a result of my childlessness. The irony here though is that I can still be a carer, a healer for those around me in spite of not being a mother. I have so much to offer society through my empathy and kindness which has been developed outside of motherhood.
What this all indicates is that there is a dire need for a redefinition of womanhood. And not just within the bounds of wider society. There is still a need for this within what we would assume are safe spaces in which we celebrate what makes us unique. We need to learn to stop putting ourselves in boxes and if this continues to occur in ‘feminist’ spaces then how will we ultimately make progress outside of these in the wider world that we live in. The truth is that my reproductive choices do not define my worth or my womanhood. I am more than one part of my identity; and there is more than one aspect to being a woman. It’s time to change the narrative that a woman’s only goal or worth in life is to be found in motherhood; and that this is all that unites us and makes us unique. The default setting in which womanhood = motherhood needs to be removed; and removed quickly.
I blog for Change. 