Life after loss.

Sometimes the winds of change sweep through and life surprises you by reinvigorating you once more. As if all of the past hurt and trauma hasn’t completely left your body fully, but yet somehow you’ve learnt to live with it. To coexist peacefully together, navigating all of life’s twists and turns somehow in perfect unison. It’s a strange concept to not constantly be in mourning after so much loss. But for me recently it really feels like I have emerged again and somehow managed to course correct after embarking on a track that was never meant for me. Or I have somehow accepted that all of those events were a necessary part of evolving, of becoming a more well rounded human being. I can see that all of that chaos and loss was meant to teach me difficult lessons about impermanence, about dealing with grief which could never have been learnt without experiencing such intense pain and suffering.

The concept of grief exhaustion puts a title to how I have been feeling for a long time now. It represents a type of physical and mental fatigue which generally peaks between 6-12 months after significant loss as our bodies begin to process what has happened to us. It seems to culminate with extreme sorrow and emotional anguish, which obviously takes a direct toll on both our minds and our bodies. In times of such deep seated emotional distress making a decision about anything feels impossible as a general fog descends on all areas of life. It garners a debilitating sensation where all you feel is stuck and in spite of how much you try, it’s impossible to conjure up the strength to free yourself.

These days however life feels different somehow. My heart feels just as heavy at times, but much less broken than before. It’s more aware of the heartache it has endured but somehow content with knowing that living with that pain is just a natural part of life; of moving forward. I suppose that suggests that I’ve learnt to live with loss, as we all need to and have to in order to continue on. Because the truth is we will all lose someone, we may lose everyone at one time or another. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t still keep living or forget about the presence of ones we lost, or the impacts they made on our lives.

Personally, I’ve learnt to mourn the life paths that were almost mine. I can see that in spite of presenting themselves to me as real truths; they were only meant to be passing lessons. In many ways it feels strange these days that I can look at a child and laugh with them, interact with them and not think of the ones who never eventuated for me. But in truth I no longer feel the pangs of sadness and strangely I have no maternal instinct to have one of my own anymore. If I’m honest, I never did. Reflecting back I only felt those things because I was grieving those that I had lost. In the time since I have chosen to actively reclaim my agency by making the choice to move on with my life and leaving the potential of that child in my past. I suppose there is something about taking control back that is as freeing as it is decisive. I made an empowered choice that was always the right one for me; even when I couldn’t quite see it. 

These days I look forward to spending time with my loved one’s little one’s. I can look into their eyes, honour their innocence and not automatically think of those I lost. I can enjoy their presence and show up as my full self without my heart breaking inside. It feels like this was always how it was supposed to go. The equilibrium is just naturally back and everything seems to make sense again. For I recognise myself once more and I’m in awe of the person looking back at me in that mirror. For she has loved and lost, she has hoped and grieved and mourned the potential of so many life paths. But there she still stands with an open heart.

I’ve learnt that living life fully and openly after loss is a daunting but achievable process. I choose to embrace my emotions and honour my heartbreak in recognition of the power they have towards resiliency. I am focusing on reconnecting with my body and not seeing it as defunct or broken. For too long I felt like there was something wrong with me, that my body couldn’t even do what it was supposed to. But in truth, my body has never failed me; I simply stopped valuing and nourishing and honouring it. It was in fact saving me from heading down a path never destined for me; and for that I will forever be grateful.

These days it all feels different. That pain, heartbreak, sorrow and loss no longer follow me around like a dark cloud. I feel a sense of lucidity and clarity that I haven’t experienced for a while now. Life after loss for me somehow represents abundance, as the beauty of the potential of life is apparent to me once more. I no longer hesitate to choose adventure, to choose myself. My confidence is back, my intuition is clearer and I am certain about following my heart and leading with authenticity and intention. I am brave once more and perhaps that represents what life after loss is; being a bit battered and bruised, but hopeful nonetheless.